"Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them." - Pauline Kael
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Coming Soon! "The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon"
Wait, Aztecs have been living in a cave somewhere in close proximity to the Grand Canyon? Okay, I'll buy that.
WAIT, Shannen Doherty keeps getting work?!
"Funky Monkey" - Maria's Take
You know what I liked about this movie? The comedy was subtle.
Comedies today are all about parody; these days it is tough to find a perfectly timed kicked-in-the-crotch gag. Well, my lovely CFP readers, "Funky Monkey" gives you not one, but two beautifully shot, wonderfully executed kicked-in-the-crotch routines.
This movie reminded me of those I loved as a kid, "Dunston Checks In," "Air Bud," and "Gordy." It never tries to be smarter or wittier than it is, and for that I am really appreciative. The majority of popular movies today have smack-talking rodents ripping off the slow motion scenes from "The Matrix." Is "Funky Monkey" a brilliant film that will make kids smarter? No. Is "Funky Monkey" a silly, stupid movie with fun to watch sight gags? Absolutely.
The premise of the movie is second to watching the monkey, "Clemens," make silly faces. The story revolves around smooth-talking, skateboard riding "McCall," played by Matthew Modine. Remember Matthew Modine? He was in "Full Metal Jacket." Did you wonder what happened to him? He is playing second banana to a chimp. (Pardon the pun). Anyway, McCall discovers that the company he is contracted to, Z.I.T., is performing experiments on their animals. The specifics of the experiments are never fully explained, but they apparently require the monkeys to wear stupid costumes. McCall's best bud, the forementioned Clemens, is too awesome to be experimented on (he knows kung-fu for God's sake), so McCall saves him, and restores Clemens dignity by attiring him in Hawaiian shirts--thus, Clemens' transformation into utmost funkiness.
All the while, young Michael Dean, an apparent genius (I say apparent because we are only told this fact, honestly, I found him pretty dopey), is trying to score the attention of cheerleader Christina. Of course, as this is a movie about high school, Michael is picked on by the bigger, electric-scooter riding football players.
The two stories eventually collide and ultimately evil wins. No, I kid, I kid, the bad guys lose and Michael gets his kiss. Sorry to spoil the movie, but honestly, as I mentioned before, the premise is nowhere near as entertaining as watching Clemens make silly faces when he is not being coached.
Overall, it is really hard for me to trash this movie. It wasn't brilliant and didn't offer me anything, but it was fun to watch and, several times, intentionally funny. If I were 8 or 9, I probably would've watched this movie several times a week.
I apologize if you wanted me to attack this movie or call it out on its misgivings. Sure, Michael's acting is atrocious and he obviously went through puberty while shooting--he has a mustache in certain scenes, but this wasn't exactly a challenging role. The most ridiculous part was the adult actors cast: Roma Downey, Matthew Modine, and Jeffrey Tambor. All three of these well-respected actors accepted roles in a film called, "Funky Monkey." It is just difficult to be harsh or critical of a movie that never tries to be something it isn't.
Next week however, we are watching a movie about people finding ancient treasure in the Grand Canyon...oh yeah, it is going to be epic.
Comedies today are all about parody; these days it is tough to find a perfectly timed kicked-in-the-crotch gag. Well, my lovely CFP readers, "Funky Monkey" gives you not one, but two beautifully shot, wonderfully executed kicked-in-the-crotch routines.
This movie reminded me of those I loved as a kid, "Dunston Checks In," "Air Bud," and "Gordy." It never tries to be smarter or wittier than it is, and for that I am really appreciative. The majority of popular movies today have smack-talking rodents ripping off the slow motion scenes from "The Matrix." Is "Funky Monkey" a brilliant film that will make kids smarter? No. Is "Funky Monkey" a silly, stupid movie with fun to watch sight gags? Absolutely.
The premise of the movie is second to watching the monkey, "Clemens," make silly faces. The story revolves around smooth-talking, skateboard riding "McCall," played by Matthew Modine. Remember Matthew Modine? He was in "Full Metal Jacket." Did you wonder what happened to him? He is playing second banana to a chimp. (Pardon the pun). Anyway, McCall discovers that the company he is contracted to, Z.I.T., is performing experiments on their animals. The specifics of the experiments are never fully explained, but they apparently require the monkeys to wear stupid costumes. McCall's best bud, the forementioned Clemens, is too awesome to be experimented on (he knows kung-fu for God's sake), so McCall saves him, and restores Clemens dignity by attiring him in Hawaiian shirts--thus, Clemens' transformation into utmost funkiness.
All the while, young Michael Dean, an apparent genius (I say apparent because we are only told this fact, honestly, I found him pretty dopey), is trying to score the attention of cheerleader Christina. Of course, as this is a movie about high school, Michael is picked on by the bigger, electric-scooter riding football players.
The two stories eventually collide and ultimately evil wins. No, I kid, I kid, the bad guys lose and Michael gets his kiss. Sorry to spoil the movie, but honestly, as I mentioned before, the premise is nowhere near as entertaining as watching Clemens make silly faces when he is not being coached.
Overall, it is really hard for me to trash this movie. It wasn't brilliant and didn't offer me anything, but it was fun to watch and, several times, intentionally funny. If I were 8 or 9, I probably would've watched this movie several times a week.
I apologize if you wanted me to attack this movie or call it out on its misgivings. Sure, Michael's acting is atrocious and he obviously went through puberty while shooting--he has a mustache in certain scenes, but this wasn't exactly a challenging role. The most ridiculous part was the adult actors cast: Roma Downey, Matthew Modine, and Jeffrey Tambor. All three of these well-respected actors accepted roles in a film called, "Funky Monkey." It is just difficult to be harsh or critical of a movie that never tries to be something it isn't.
Next week however, we are watching a movie about people finding ancient treasure in the Grand Canyon...oh yeah, it is going to be epic.
"Funky Monkey" -- Zach's Take
This movie is a product. Nothing more. It's a coldly calculated piece of trash concocted by a bunch of marketing people. A by-product of quadrant-checking and buzzwords. A commodity produced by a cynical group of suits at Warner Bros.
And I laughed my ass off all the way through it.
You see, Funky Monkey (or as I like to call it, Jeffery Tambor and Gilbert Gottfried Have Gambling Debts to Pay) is a bold and daring exercise in unintentional anti-comedy.
Okay, okay, so maybe it's neither bold nor daring, but it is consistently laugh-out-loud funny. That is, if you're approaching it in the right mindset. The Homer Simpson mindset.
I wasn't laughing with the movie. I wasn't even laughing at the movie. I was laughing at the people who would laugh with the movie. The lowest common denominator. The Homer Simpsons of the world. All I could picture throughout the movie, whether it was the first time someone got kicked in the groin or the fifteenth time the monkey made a fart noise with his mouth, was Homer laughing hysterically and genuinely at the absurdity on display.
Picture every family comedy trope you can think of and this movie has it. From the aforementioned between-the-legs kick in the nuts shot, to the turning-the-blender-on-without-putting-the-lid-on gag, to the dimwitted villainous lackey duo, this movie has it all. It's like the screenwriters (yes, it took more than one person to write this movie) had a quota of idiotic gags to fulfill and they decided to go above and beyond.
But like I said, all you need to do to enjoy this movie is to imagine the kind of person who helped propel Epic Movie to box office success obnoxiously guffawing at every lame, tired joke. I guarantee you will be doing the same in no time (obnoxiously guffawing that is, not giving more money to the Epic Movie guys...hopefully).
As always, leave your thoughts in the comments below or email us with suggestions at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
And I laughed my ass off all the way through it.
You see, Funky Monkey (or as I like to call it, Jeffery Tambor and Gilbert Gottfried Have Gambling Debts to Pay) is a bold and daring exercise in unintentional anti-comedy.
Okay, okay, so maybe it's neither bold nor daring, but it is consistently laugh-out-loud funny. That is, if you're approaching it in the right mindset. The Homer Simpson mindset.
I wasn't laughing with the movie. I wasn't even laughing at the movie. I was laughing at the people who would laugh with the movie. The lowest common denominator. The Homer Simpsons of the world. All I could picture throughout the movie, whether it was the first time someone got kicked in the groin or the fifteenth time the monkey made a fart noise with his mouth, was Homer laughing hysterically and genuinely at the absurdity on display.
Picture every family comedy trope you can think of and this movie has it. From the aforementioned between-the-legs kick in the nuts shot, to the turning-the-blender-on-without-putting-the-lid-on gag, to the dimwitted villainous lackey duo, this movie has it all. It's like the screenwriters (yes, it took more than one person to write this movie) had a quota of idiotic gags to fulfill and they decided to go above and beyond.
But like I said, all you need to do to enjoy this movie is to imagine the kind of person who helped propel Epic Movie to box office success obnoxiously guffawing at every lame, tired joke. I guarantee you will be doing the same in no time (obnoxiously guffawing that is, not giving more money to the Epic Movie guys...hopefully).
As always, leave your thoughts in the comments below or email us with suggestions at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Coming Soon! "Funky Monkey"
I could not find a trailer, but hopefully this little tidbit will give you an idea of this sure-to-be brilliant piece of movie-making.
Come on, it is a movie called "Funky Monkey." This is going to be amazing.
Reader Request #1 "Drive Thru" - Maria's Take
This movie is the Carlos Mencia of horror movies.
A smarter, more put-together movie might have been able to pull off blatant theft as homage, but in this lazy piece of cinema it is what it is--blatant theft. I understand that with horror movies, originality is not as important as ridiculous kills, absurd monsters and scene after scene of gratuitous nudity. It would be an extreme challenge to find a pair of movie-goers more obsessed with the cheesy slasher film than Zach and I, however, much like "Santa's Slay," this movie is all over the place, and I was at a loss for any redeeming value.
The lead character, Mackenzie, played unevenly by Leighton Meester, is a difficult character to like. In one scene she is a raging bitch, and the very next she is a giggling idiot. Her dopey friends are stolen caricatures of other horror teens, but they lack the heart so necessary for me to care. In some horror movies, you are supposed to root for the monster, but I wasn't sure who I was supposed to root for; all I did was pray that each scene was the last.
I think there was some tongue-in-cheek moral hidden most unsubtly in the shadows of this movie. Apparently smoking pot will make you an arsonist and fast food will get you murdered. Okay, fine. This film might actually work better if these little "lessons" were more center-stage. However, most unfortunately, the filmmakers decide supernatural elements are way more rational explanations for a sociopath. I think a far more entertaining movie would consist of a psycho-vegan slaughtering teenagers as they chow down on Big Macs--some Dante's Inferno contra-passo madness.
But, alas, that would be too clever.
I think the most asinine moment occurs when good ol' Mac[kenzie] enters the killer's room and discovers he has a magic 8 ball. For clarification, Mac[kenzie]'s apparently possessed pink magic 8 ball foretold a murder earlier in the film. So, of course, because Horny the Clown also has a magic 8 ball, "that explains that." Wait, what? Do magic 8 balls share some magical connection? I really have no idea how logic works in this movie.
Anyway, the ending leaves open the option for a sequel. Yippee.
Thank you Anh and Billy for putting this dreadful work on our radar. If you would like us to review your favorite awful film, leave a comment here or on our facebook page!
A smarter, more put-together movie might have been able to pull off blatant theft as homage, but in this lazy piece of cinema it is what it is--blatant theft. I understand that with horror movies, originality is not as important as ridiculous kills, absurd monsters and scene after scene of gratuitous nudity. It would be an extreme challenge to find a pair of movie-goers more obsessed with the cheesy slasher film than Zach and I, however, much like "Santa's Slay," this movie is all over the place, and I was at a loss for any redeeming value.
The lead character, Mackenzie, played unevenly by Leighton Meester, is a difficult character to like. In one scene she is a raging bitch, and the very next she is a giggling idiot. Her dopey friends are stolen caricatures of other horror teens, but they lack the heart so necessary for me to care. In some horror movies, you are supposed to root for the monster, but I wasn't sure who I was supposed to root for; all I did was pray that each scene was the last.
I think there was some tongue-in-cheek moral hidden most unsubtly in the shadows of this movie. Apparently smoking pot will make you an arsonist and fast food will get you murdered. Okay, fine. This film might actually work better if these little "lessons" were more center-stage. However, most unfortunately, the filmmakers decide supernatural elements are way more rational explanations for a sociopath. I think a far more entertaining movie would consist of a psycho-vegan slaughtering teenagers as they chow down on Big Macs--some Dante's Inferno contra-passo madness.
But, alas, that would be too clever.
I think the most asinine moment occurs when good ol' Mac[kenzie] enters the killer's room and discovers he has a magic 8 ball. For clarification, Mac[kenzie]'s apparently possessed pink magic 8 ball foretold a murder earlier in the film. So, of course, because Horny the Clown also has a magic 8 ball, "that explains that." Wait, what? Do magic 8 balls share some magical connection? I really have no idea how logic works in this movie.
Anyway, the ending leaves open the option for a sequel. Yippee.
Thank you Anh and Billy for putting this dreadful work on our radar. If you would like us to review your favorite awful film, leave a comment here or on our facebook page!
Reader Request #1: "Drive Thru" - Zach's Take
I don't really have much to say about this movie.
It's painfully dull. Horribly shot. There's absolutely no tension to be found in the kill scenes. Which, by the way, are the second worst aspect of the movie. For some reason, the directors thought that shaking the camera and speed-ramping the action, all the while blasting awful, bland industrial metal would somehow result in an interesting or exciting scene. Not so.
Also, all but two of the deaths in the movie are done off-screen. I don't think these guys have ever even seen a horror movie before.
The worst aspect of the movie, however, is that the central conceit is woefully underused and essentially ignored. The filmmakers had a great opportunity to make a fun and bloody horror-comedy with a fast food chain mascot slashing his way through swaths of dumb teenagers. Instead, they made painfully boring, relatively bloodless film that, at the very least includes swaths of dumb teenagers.
Drive Thru is one of those terrible straight-to-DVD films that you're always afraid of seeing when you sit down to watch a bad movie. It's not ironically enjoyable. Nothing is laughably bad. There's nothing remotely memorable. I watched it less than 24 hours ago and I can hardly remember a single thing about the movie other than just how worthless it is.
As always, please leave your thoughts in the comments section below. Or, you can email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com with your suggestions for future reviews!
It's painfully dull. Horribly shot. There's absolutely no tension to be found in the kill scenes. Which, by the way, are the second worst aspect of the movie. For some reason, the directors thought that shaking the camera and speed-ramping the action, all the while blasting awful, bland industrial metal would somehow result in an interesting or exciting scene. Not so.
Also, all but two of the deaths in the movie are done off-screen. I don't think these guys have ever even seen a horror movie before.
The worst aspect of the movie, however, is that the central conceit is woefully underused and essentially ignored. The filmmakers had a great opportunity to make a fun and bloody horror-comedy with a fast food chain mascot slashing his way through swaths of dumb teenagers. Instead, they made painfully boring, relatively bloodless film that, at the very least includes swaths of dumb teenagers.
Drive Thru is one of those terrible straight-to-DVD films that you're always afraid of seeing when you sit down to watch a bad movie. It's not ironically enjoyable. Nothing is laughably bad. There's nothing remotely memorable. I watched it less than 24 hours ago and I can hardly remember a single thing about the movie other than just how worthless it is.
As always, please leave your thoughts in the comments section below. Or, you can email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com with your suggestions for future reviews!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Coming Soon: "Drive-Thru"
"Horny the Clown," eh? Sounds classy.
This is our first reader request. So now that you know we're listening, leave your requests in the comments below or email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com!
"Blood Angels" -- Zach's Take
Blood Angels, or (Thralls, apparently) may be the first film so far that has lived up to our expectations of delightfully entertaining dreadfulness. It's got lots of bland, hackneyed dialogue and one-liners, "stars" with zero charisma, and lots of poorly done blood and gore. All in all, it was the most entertaining film we've reviewed so far.
Directed with all the subtlety and finesse of a 90's music video, Blood Angels tells the story of a bunch of...ah, never mind. It's some half-vampire chicks who want to be full vampires. Sounds stupid? Good, because it is. Of course, there are a lot of dumb moments where the logic of the world these characters exist in becomes increasingly more confused and asinine. Did you know that the blood of two half-vampire chicks, when given to a human, can turn said human into a "full" vampire?
I mean, there are a lot of bafflingly stupid moments in these types of movies, and that's what we're looking for at CFP. Consider the fact that one of the half-vampire chicks carries around a gun loaded with silver bullets, despite the fact that there is not a single werewolf in the movie. Was that throwaway line about the gun being loaded with silver bullets supposed to make us excited at the prospect of a werewolf being in the movie? I honestly don't know what the reasoning for it was.
However, the real high point of the movie comes when the actress playing Lene (don't ask about the name, it's stupid) pronounces "Necronomicon" as "Necromonicon." Yup. Apparently they couldn't be bothered to do a second take or at least ADR it out (it was a freaking wide shot, nobody would have noticed if they had re-dubbed the dialogue!). Instead, they opted to spit in the face of one of the most influential horror writers ever. Hey, H.P. Lovecraft, you spelled it wrong, dumbass! Go learn Latin, you idiot!
Even more perplexing is that despite the obvious laziness on behalf of the filmmakers, the ambitions of the film are ridiculous. The writers clearly wanted to make a statement about gender politics in a crappy direct-to-video cheesefest. The half-vampire chicks (Don't call 'em chicks, man!) free themselves from the control of a man (Lorenzo Lamas) who has them chained up in his attic. They spend the duration of the film fighting him off as he spouts off deriding, sexist one-liners. The main chick has severe daddy issues. Also, the one half-vampire chick who wants to forge an "eternal partnership" with the man is portrayed as a traitor to the rest of the gals.
The movie would be kind of stupidly smart if it weren't so on-the-nose and full of gratuitous cleavage shots. The filmmakers are trying to have their cake and eat it too, but in this case the cake is a lot dumber than they think it is and also stars Lorenzo Lamas. Wait, I think I screwed that up.
Whatever, Lorenzo Lamas sucks again and this movie is kinda fun. Check it out if you want a profound, poetic analysis of femininity in the post-modern age. Also, boobs.
As always, please leave your comments below or email us with any suggestions!
Directed with all the subtlety and finesse of a 90's music video, Blood Angels tells the story of a bunch of...ah, never mind. It's some half-vampire chicks who want to be full vampires. Sounds stupid? Good, because it is. Of course, there are a lot of dumb moments where the logic of the world these characters exist in becomes increasingly more confused and asinine. Did you know that the blood of two half-vampire chicks, when given to a human, can turn said human into a "full" vampire?
I mean, there are a lot of bafflingly stupid moments in these types of movies, and that's what we're looking for at CFP. Consider the fact that one of the half-vampire chicks carries around a gun loaded with silver bullets, despite the fact that there is not a single werewolf in the movie. Was that throwaway line about the gun being loaded with silver bullets supposed to make us excited at the prospect of a werewolf being in the movie? I honestly don't know what the reasoning for it was.
However, the real high point of the movie comes when the actress playing Lene (don't ask about the name, it's stupid) pronounces "Necronomicon" as "Necromonicon." Yup. Apparently they couldn't be bothered to do a second take or at least ADR it out (it was a freaking wide shot, nobody would have noticed if they had re-dubbed the dialogue!). Instead, they opted to spit in the face of one of the most influential horror writers ever. Hey, H.P. Lovecraft, you spelled it wrong, dumbass! Go learn Latin, you idiot!
Even more perplexing is that despite the obvious laziness on behalf of the filmmakers, the ambitions of the film are ridiculous. The writers clearly wanted to make a statement about gender politics in a crappy direct-to-video cheesefest. The half-vampire chicks (Don't call 'em chicks, man!) free themselves from the control of a man (Lorenzo Lamas) who has them chained up in his attic. They spend the duration of the film fighting him off as he spouts off deriding, sexist one-liners. The main chick has severe daddy issues. Also, the one half-vampire chick who wants to forge an "eternal partnership" with the man is portrayed as a traitor to the rest of the gals.
The movie would be kind of stupidly smart if it weren't so on-the-nose and full of gratuitous cleavage shots. The filmmakers are trying to have their cake and eat it too, but in this case the cake is a lot dumber than they think it is and also stars Lorenzo Lamas. Wait, I think I screwed that up.
Whatever, Lorenzo Lamas sucks again and this movie is kinda fun. Check it out if you want a profound, poetic analysis of femininity in the post-modern age. Also, boobs.
As always, please leave your comments below or email us with any suggestions!
"Blood Angels" - Maria's Take
"Blood Angels" is a poignant coming of age story, a bildungsroman if you will, of young, naive Ashley. Ashley, haunted by the memories of her abusive father, travels to whatever part of Iowa necessitates being referred to as "urban," to live with her older sister Leslie and Leslie's club-owning friends. During a rave commemorating the winter solstice, she meets and falls for Jim, a strapping, young farm lad. Ashley realizes that while it might be confusing, and often times scary, growing up is a necessary evil.
Nah, I'm just joking, "Blood Angels" is a crappy vampire flick starring Lorenzo Lamas.
So we meet Ashley at a bus station. Right from the start we know she is a total nerd; she has pigtails and wears one of those vest-jackets. She is attacked by a gang of hooligans that get their comeuppance when Leslie, Ashley's hotter, more sharply dressed sister, inexplicably karate chops the hell out of the no-good-nicks.
Long story short, Leslie and her sisterhood of "thralls" (one who is in between a vampire and a human) own a club and are always on guard against their evil vampire captor, Mr. Jones. Lots of stuff happens and Ashley ultimately becomes a vampire. Her transformation, most unsubtly her "coming of age," results in instantly crimped hair, a pound of makeup, a hot corset, and her very own set of boobs.
This movie felt like a crappy TV series more than a full length motion picture. There were instances that seemed to pause for commercial breaks, and Mr. Jones appeared to be a ripoff of the title character from "Angel." The special effects looked lazily put together, and the ending felt rushed.
Having said my bit, this movie held my interest and entertained me. The bad acting--particularly Lorenzo Lamas' "sound effects" he seems to believe bats and vampires would make--got a few giggles out of me.
Basically, compared to our last few films, this movie was fun. This is the sort of movie Zach and I expected to review for our blog. If you are lazing around on a Sunday afternoon and see this silly vampire flick on USA or TNT, check it out. A film such as this helps you forget your stresses and just allows you to laugh at how much of a struggle reading lines can be for Mr. Lamas.
Stay tuned for next week, Zach and I review a reader-recommended film!
Nah, I'm just joking, "Blood Angels" is a crappy vampire flick starring Lorenzo Lamas.
So we meet Ashley at a bus station. Right from the start we know she is a total nerd; she has pigtails and wears one of those vest-jackets. She is attacked by a gang of hooligans that get their comeuppance when Leslie, Ashley's hotter, more sharply dressed sister, inexplicably karate chops the hell out of the no-good-nicks.
Long story short, Leslie and her sisterhood of "thralls" (one who is in between a vampire and a human) own a club and are always on guard against their evil vampire captor, Mr. Jones. Lots of stuff happens and Ashley ultimately becomes a vampire. Her transformation, most unsubtly her "coming of age," results in instantly crimped hair, a pound of makeup, a hot corset, and her very own set of boobs.
This movie felt like a crappy TV series more than a full length motion picture. There were instances that seemed to pause for commercial breaks, and Mr. Jones appeared to be a ripoff of the title character from "Angel." The special effects looked lazily put together, and the ending felt rushed.
Having said my bit, this movie held my interest and entertained me. The bad acting--particularly Lorenzo Lamas' "sound effects" he seems to believe bats and vampires would make--got a few giggles out of me.
Basically, compared to our last few films, this movie was fun. This is the sort of movie Zach and I expected to review for our blog. If you are lazing around on a Sunday afternoon and see this silly vampire flick on USA or TNT, check it out. A film such as this helps you forget your stresses and just allows you to laugh at how much of a struggle reading lines can be for Mr. Lamas.
Stay tuned for next week, Zach and I review a reader-recommended film!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Coming Soon! "Blood Angels"
Will Lorenzo Lamas, the "charisma vacuum," suck all the fun out of this trashy vampire flick?
....
See what I did there?
"Raptor Island" - Zach's Take
Raptor Island.
Just about the only good thing I can say about this movie is that its title is apt. There are raptors. And they are on an island (I mean, as far as we know -- we were never shown that all sides of the landmass were surrounded by water...). Of course, this being a Sci-Fi Channel movie (before it become "Syfy" in a desperate attempt to lock down a trademark) the actual content doesn't live up to the name.
It doesn't help that the raptors in this film are like a cut-and-paste job of the raptors from Jurassic Park. They look like a 3D modeling student's first assignment for school. Blurry, low-res textures on an awkwardly animated frame. This movie was made eleven years after Jurassic Park. You'd think that budget effects houses would be able to churn out CG that at least matches a decade-old film, but apparently not.
I feel like if the raptors were done practically with puppets and stop-motion animation, we'd have some entertainment value here. Anyone who's seen the Corman classic Carnosaur knows what I'm talking about. But alas, we have the fake-looking and stilted creatures seen here.
Granted, the dinosaurs aren't the worst-looking or most wooden things in the movie. No, that title goes to the great Lorenzo Lamas. He's like a charisma vacuum, sucking out any charm or entertainment that might be sieved through the atrociously bland script. In a different actor's hands, we might have a performance that we can at least laugh at, or be entertained by. Lamas gives us no hammy, broad performance. In fact, he gives no performance. He kinda just struggles to remember his lines here.
However, I feel like I'm selling this movie the wrong way. It's really not completely terrible or the worst thing I've ever seen. It's just perhaps the most unremarkable movie I've ever seen. The only shining light in this pit of cinematic despair is an absurdly incoherent mess of a reason for the raptor's existence. Now, I could be misinterpreting what I saw, because they never quite come out and say it. But essentially, the movie asks us to believe that radioactive waste, combined with lava, over the period of 40 years, somehow birthed raptors. And one T-Rex.
Oh right, the T-Rex.
I take back what I said about the apt title.
As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions for future reviews in the comments or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
Just about the only good thing I can say about this movie is that its title is apt. There are raptors. And they are on an island (I mean, as far as we know -- we were never shown that all sides of the landmass were surrounded by water...). Of course, this being a Sci-Fi Channel movie (before it become "Syfy" in a desperate attempt to lock down a trademark) the actual content doesn't live up to the name.
It doesn't help that the raptors in this film are like a cut-and-paste job of the raptors from Jurassic Park. They look like a 3D modeling student's first assignment for school. Blurry, low-res textures on an awkwardly animated frame. This movie was made eleven years after Jurassic Park. You'd think that budget effects houses would be able to churn out CG that at least matches a decade-old film, but apparently not.
I feel like if the raptors were done practically with puppets and stop-motion animation, we'd have some entertainment value here. Anyone who's seen the Corman classic Carnosaur knows what I'm talking about. But alas, we have the fake-looking and stilted creatures seen here.
Granted, the dinosaurs aren't the worst-looking or most wooden things in the movie. No, that title goes to the great Lorenzo Lamas. He's like a charisma vacuum, sucking out any charm or entertainment that might be sieved through the atrociously bland script. In a different actor's hands, we might have a performance that we can at least laugh at, or be entertained by. Lamas gives us no hammy, broad performance. In fact, he gives no performance. He kinda just struggles to remember his lines here.
However, I feel like I'm selling this movie the wrong way. It's really not completely terrible or the worst thing I've ever seen. It's just perhaps the most unremarkable movie I've ever seen. The only shining light in this pit of cinematic despair is an absurdly incoherent mess of a reason for the raptor's existence. Now, I could be misinterpreting what I saw, because they never quite come out and say it. But essentially, the movie asks us to believe that radioactive waste, combined with lava, over the period of 40 years, somehow birthed raptors. And one T-Rex.
Oh right, the T-Rex.
I take back what I said about the apt title.
As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions for future reviews in the comments or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
"Raptor Island" - Maria's Take
Hello everyone in cyberspace!
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Coming Soon: 'Raptor Island'
"Let's get this party started. Hooya!"
This is the first entry in our two-week Lorenzo Lamas festival. Never has there been a better thespian.
'Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys' - Zach's Take
Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys is astoundingly mediocre. Considering the other movies we've reviewed so far, that should come as high praise. It's neither completely boring nor a cheese-filled good time. It's just kinda...meh.
I mean, Corey Feldman is clearly in on the joke, chewing each and every scene he's in with an awful raspy voice and hammy over-acting. But everyone else is well, frankly forgettable. Not that I was expecting Oscar-winning performances, but still.
The real problem with this film, which is not uncommon for the celluloid trash in the horror category, is that it fails to live up to its name. It should have been called Relatives of the Main Guy from the first 'Puppet Master' Versus the Daughter of the Guy from the First 'Demonic Toys'. It's a little long, but hey, it's also a little more honest.
The puppets (who are actually pretty cool) have a total of about five minutes of screen time in this whole thing. In fact, I think the demonic toys have more presence and relevance to the plot than the puppets do. Which is just wrong.
Let's also consider the body count for this thing. Any respectable cheesy horror flick has a body count of at least four or five (but as we all know, the more the better). Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys has no main cast deaths. Not a single person with more than fifteen seconds of screen time is killed in this movie. Come on! It's not that hard!
On the plus side, there is a cool make up job for the demon Bael, but surprise! He 's barely in this.
Overall, the sheer mediocrity of this film almost paradoxically means you should stay away. Yeah, I know I said it was a better film than the others we've done. But this isn't a so-bad-it's-good trainwreck like C Me Dance or The Room. Nope, it's just bland made-for-TV Sci-Fi Channel garbage.
As always, email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com with any suggestions for films you want us to review. And don't forget to post your thoughts in the comments!
I mean, Corey Feldman is clearly in on the joke, chewing each and every scene he's in with an awful raspy voice and hammy over-acting. But everyone else is well, frankly forgettable. Not that I was expecting Oscar-winning performances, but still.
The real problem with this film, which is not uncommon for the celluloid trash in the horror category, is that it fails to live up to its name. It should have been called Relatives of the Main Guy from the first 'Puppet Master' Versus the Daughter of the Guy from the First 'Demonic Toys'. It's a little long, but hey, it's also a little more honest.
The puppets (who are actually pretty cool) have a total of about five minutes of screen time in this whole thing. In fact, I think the demonic toys have more presence and relevance to the plot than the puppets do. Which is just wrong.
Let's also consider the body count for this thing. Any respectable cheesy horror flick has a body count of at least four or five (but as we all know, the more the better). Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys has no main cast deaths. Not a single person with more than fifteen seconds of screen time is killed in this movie. Come on! It's not that hard!
On the plus side, there is a cool make up job for the demon Bael, but surprise! He 's barely in this.
Overall, the sheer mediocrity of this film almost paradoxically means you should stay away. Yeah, I know I said it was a better film than the others we've done. But this isn't a so-bad-it's-good trainwreck like C Me Dance or The Room. Nope, it's just bland made-for-TV Sci-Fi Channel garbage.
As always, email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com with any suggestions for films you want us to review. And don't forget to post your thoughts in the comments!
"Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys" - Maria's Take
So, this was the best movie we have screened so far. There was nothing blatantly offensive, it had Corey Feldman in it, and the story had a beginning, middle, and end; though it did leave open the possibility for a sequel.
It was so boring.
It started out surprisingly decent. I found some of the gags funny and even kind of clever. The storyline was well defined, the acting wasn't as atrocious as we've seen in other films, and while the effects are awful, this film was not comparable to the over the top train wrecks that Zach and I have subjected ourselves to through this little experiment. This film just couldn't hold my interest.
About fifteen minutes into the film, Zach and I started discussing the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, "Jingle All the Way." We both put on our worst impressions and made the other laugh; all the while, Mr. Feldman was emoting something terrible in the background. That's right, you heard it here folks, our discussion on Jake Lloyd and Turboman entertained us more than this film ever could.
Like I said, there wasn't anything specifically wrong with this movie, it just wasn't fun to watch. Some of the exposition was unclear to me, but I blame that more on not having seen the previous films in this series rather than any fault made by the writer or director.
There was some truly awful dubbing, but nothing appalling--except maybe the fact that Corey Feldman's career has sunk so low he is now doing Sy Fy continuations of a film series few have seen. The man was in License to Drive for God's sake!
Zach just mentioned to me that David Goyer wrote this film. I guess that's tragic, but I find it more tragic that David Goyer keeps getting work. Sure, he is a good idea man, but that doesn't mean he is anything special when it comes to dialogue.
See what I mean about this film? Instead of discussing Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, I am instead breaking down the missteps of Goyer's career.
Overall, this movie is bad. It has no endearing characters, few exciting moments, and no camp. What draws viewers to later installments within franchises in the novelty value. This film has nothing to offer.
Go watch Jason X instead, it's great--he's in space.
It was so boring.
It started out surprisingly decent. I found some of the gags funny and even kind of clever. The storyline was well defined, the acting wasn't as atrocious as we've seen in other films, and while the effects are awful, this film was not comparable to the over the top train wrecks that Zach and I have subjected ourselves to through this little experiment. This film just couldn't hold my interest.
About fifteen minutes into the film, Zach and I started discussing the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, "Jingle All the Way." We both put on our worst impressions and made the other laugh; all the while, Mr. Feldman was emoting something terrible in the background. That's right, you heard it here folks, our discussion on Jake Lloyd and Turboman entertained us more than this film ever could.
Like I said, there wasn't anything specifically wrong with this movie, it just wasn't fun to watch. Some of the exposition was unclear to me, but I blame that more on not having seen the previous films in this series rather than any fault made by the writer or director.
There was some truly awful dubbing, but nothing appalling--except maybe the fact that Corey Feldman's career has sunk so low he is now doing Sy Fy continuations of a film series few have seen. The man was in License to Drive for God's sake!
Zach just mentioned to me that David Goyer wrote this film. I guess that's tragic, but I find it more tragic that David Goyer keeps getting work. Sure, he is a good idea man, but that doesn't mean he is anything special when it comes to dialogue.
See what I mean about this film? Instead of discussing Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, I am instead breaking down the missteps of Goyer's career.
Overall, this movie is bad. It has no endearing characters, few exciting moments, and no camp. What draws viewers to later installments within franchises in the novelty value. This film has nothing to offer.
Go watch Jason X instead, it's great--he's in space.
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