Hello everyone in cyberspace!
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
"Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them." - Pauline Kael
I hear your plea, Maria, and I have a suggestion: you are going too far afield if you look to straight-to-video and made-for-cable fare. To qualify as simultaneously comment-worthy and trash-worthy, I would suggest that a movie has to either (a) have had a theatrical release - even if in just one theatre, like The Room, or (b) have been made for broadcast television (not just cable).
ReplyDeleteMost trash movies today end up direct-to-video or on cable because we just don't have the great underbelly of public cinema -- the drive-ins, grindhouses and second-run independent movie houses that dotted our urban landscape up through the 1980s. The result is a lack of that crazy, daring, insane, trippy quality that made guys like Tarantino take note of the exploitation and B movies of the time.
I will suggest 3 items for review that will likely entertain with their exceptional badness/bad-assness: (1) "Three the Hard Way" (2) "The Big Doll House" (3) "Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf."
Good luck!