Blood Angels, or (Thralls, apparently) may be the first film so far that has lived up to our expectations of delightfully entertaining dreadfulness. It's got lots of bland, hackneyed dialogue and one-liners, "stars" with zero charisma, and lots of poorly done blood and gore. All in all, it was the most entertaining film we've reviewed so far.
Directed with all the subtlety and finesse of a 90's music video, Blood Angels tells the story of a bunch of...ah, never mind. It's some half-vampire chicks who want to be full vampires. Sounds stupid? Good, because it is. Of course, there are a lot of dumb moments where the logic of the world these characters exist in becomes increasingly more confused and asinine. Did you know that the blood of two half-vampire chicks, when given to a human, can turn said human into a "full" vampire?
I mean, there are a lot of bafflingly stupid moments in these types of movies, and that's what we're looking for at CFP. Consider the fact that one of the half-vampire chicks carries around a gun loaded with silver bullets, despite the fact that there is not a single werewolf in the movie. Was that throwaway line about the gun being loaded with silver bullets supposed to make us excited at the prospect of a werewolf being in the movie? I honestly don't know what the reasoning for it was.
However, the real high point of the movie comes when the actress playing Lene (don't ask about the name, it's stupid) pronounces "Necronomicon" as "Necromonicon." Yup. Apparently they couldn't be bothered to do a second take or at least ADR it out (it was a freaking wide shot, nobody would have noticed if they had re-dubbed the dialogue!). Instead, they opted to spit in the face of one of the most influential horror writers ever. Hey, H.P. Lovecraft, you spelled it wrong, dumbass! Go learn Latin, you idiot!
Even more perplexing is that despite the obvious laziness on behalf of the filmmakers, the ambitions of the film are ridiculous. The writers clearly wanted to make a statement about gender politics in a crappy direct-to-video cheesefest. The half-vampire chicks (Don't call 'em chicks, man!) free themselves from the control of a man (Lorenzo Lamas) who has them chained up in his attic. They spend the duration of the film fighting him off as he spouts off deriding, sexist one-liners. The main chick has severe daddy issues. Also, the one half-vampire chick who wants to forge an "eternal partnership" with the man is portrayed as a traitor to the rest of the gals.
The movie would be kind of stupidly smart if it weren't so on-the-nose and full of gratuitous cleavage shots. The filmmakers are trying to have their cake and eat it too, but in this case the cake is a lot dumber than they think it is and also stars Lorenzo Lamas. Wait, I think I screwed that up.
Whatever, Lorenzo Lamas sucks again and this movie is kinda fun. Check it out if you want a profound, poetic analysis of femininity in the post-modern age. Also, boobs.
As always, please leave your comments below or email us with any suggestions!
"Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them." - Pauline Kael
Showing posts with label lorenzo lamas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lorenzo lamas. Show all posts
Saturday, July 17, 2010
"Blood Angels" - Maria's Take
"Blood Angels" is a poignant coming of age story, a bildungsroman if you will, of young, naive Ashley. Ashley, haunted by the memories of her abusive father, travels to whatever part of Iowa necessitates being referred to as "urban," to live with her older sister Leslie and Leslie's club-owning friends. During a rave commemorating the winter solstice, she meets and falls for Jim, a strapping, young farm lad. Ashley realizes that while it might be confusing, and often times scary, growing up is a necessary evil.
Nah, I'm just joking, "Blood Angels" is a crappy vampire flick starring Lorenzo Lamas.
So we meet Ashley at a bus station. Right from the start we know she is a total nerd; she has pigtails and wears one of those vest-jackets. She is attacked by a gang of hooligans that get their comeuppance when Leslie, Ashley's hotter, more sharply dressed sister, inexplicably karate chops the hell out of the no-good-nicks.
Long story short, Leslie and her sisterhood of "thralls" (one who is in between a vampire and a human) own a club and are always on guard against their evil vampire captor, Mr. Jones. Lots of stuff happens and Ashley ultimately becomes a vampire. Her transformation, most unsubtly her "coming of age," results in instantly crimped hair, a pound of makeup, a hot corset, and her very own set of boobs.
This movie felt like a crappy TV series more than a full length motion picture. There were instances that seemed to pause for commercial breaks, and Mr. Jones appeared to be a ripoff of the title character from "Angel." The special effects looked lazily put together, and the ending felt rushed.
Having said my bit, this movie held my interest and entertained me. The bad acting--particularly Lorenzo Lamas' "sound effects" he seems to believe bats and vampires would make--got a few giggles out of me.
Basically, compared to our last few films, this movie was fun. This is the sort of movie Zach and I expected to review for our blog. If you are lazing around on a Sunday afternoon and see this silly vampire flick on USA or TNT, check it out. A film such as this helps you forget your stresses and just allows you to laugh at how much of a struggle reading lines can be for Mr. Lamas.
Stay tuned for next week, Zach and I review a reader-recommended film!
Nah, I'm just joking, "Blood Angels" is a crappy vampire flick starring Lorenzo Lamas.
So we meet Ashley at a bus station. Right from the start we know she is a total nerd; she has pigtails and wears one of those vest-jackets. She is attacked by a gang of hooligans that get their comeuppance when Leslie, Ashley's hotter, more sharply dressed sister, inexplicably karate chops the hell out of the no-good-nicks.
Long story short, Leslie and her sisterhood of "thralls" (one who is in between a vampire and a human) own a club and are always on guard against their evil vampire captor, Mr. Jones. Lots of stuff happens and Ashley ultimately becomes a vampire. Her transformation, most unsubtly her "coming of age," results in instantly crimped hair, a pound of makeup, a hot corset, and her very own set of boobs.
This movie felt like a crappy TV series more than a full length motion picture. There were instances that seemed to pause for commercial breaks, and Mr. Jones appeared to be a ripoff of the title character from "Angel." The special effects looked lazily put together, and the ending felt rushed.
Having said my bit, this movie held my interest and entertained me. The bad acting--particularly Lorenzo Lamas' "sound effects" he seems to believe bats and vampires would make--got a few giggles out of me.
Basically, compared to our last few films, this movie was fun. This is the sort of movie Zach and I expected to review for our blog. If you are lazing around on a Sunday afternoon and see this silly vampire flick on USA or TNT, check it out. A film such as this helps you forget your stresses and just allows you to laugh at how much of a struggle reading lines can be for Mr. Lamas.
Stay tuned for next week, Zach and I review a reader-recommended film!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Coming Soon! "Blood Angels"
Will Lorenzo Lamas, the "charisma vacuum," suck all the fun out of this trashy vampire flick?
....
See what I did there?
"Raptor Island" - Zach's Take
Raptor Island.
Just about the only good thing I can say about this movie is that its title is apt. There are raptors. And they are on an island (I mean, as far as we know -- we were never shown that all sides of the landmass were surrounded by water...). Of course, this being a Sci-Fi Channel movie (before it become "Syfy" in a desperate attempt to lock down a trademark) the actual content doesn't live up to the name.
It doesn't help that the raptors in this film are like a cut-and-paste job of the raptors from Jurassic Park. They look like a 3D modeling student's first assignment for school. Blurry, low-res textures on an awkwardly animated frame. This movie was made eleven years after Jurassic Park. You'd think that budget effects houses would be able to churn out CG that at least matches a decade-old film, but apparently not.
I feel like if the raptors were done practically with puppets and stop-motion animation, we'd have some entertainment value here. Anyone who's seen the Corman classic Carnosaur knows what I'm talking about. But alas, we have the fake-looking and stilted creatures seen here.
Granted, the dinosaurs aren't the worst-looking or most wooden things in the movie. No, that title goes to the great Lorenzo Lamas. He's like a charisma vacuum, sucking out any charm or entertainment that might be sieved through the atrociously bland script. In a different actor's hands, we might have a performance that we can at least laugh at, or be entertained by. Lamas gives us no hammy, broad performance. In fact, he gives no performance. He kinda just struggles to remember his lines here.
However, I feel like I'm selling this movie the wrong way. It's really not completely terrible or the worst thing I've ever seen. It's just perhaps the most unremarkable movie I've ever seen. The only shining light in this pit of cinematic despair is an absurdly incoherent mess of a reason for the raptor's existence. Now, I could be misinterpreting what I saw, because they never quite come out and say it. But essentially, the movie asks us to believe that radioactive waste, combined with lava, over the period of 40 years, somehow birthed raptors. And one T-Rex.
Oh right, the T-Rex.
I take back what I said about the apt title.
As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions for future reviews in the comments or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
Just about the only good thing I can say about this movie is that its title is apt. There are raptors. And they are on an island (I mean, as far as we know -- we were never shown that all sides of the landmass were surrounded by water...). Of course, this being a Sci-Fi Channel movie (before it become "Syfy" in a desperate attempt to lock down a trademark) the actual content doesn't live up to the name.
It doesn't help that the raptors in this film are like a cut-and-paste job of the raptors from Jurassic Park. They look like a 3D modeling student's first assignment for school. Blurry, low-res textures on an awkwardly animated frame. This movie was made eleven years after Jurassic Park. You'd think that budget effects houses would be able to churn out CG that at least matches a decade-old film, but apparently not.
I feel like if the raptors were done practically with puppets and stop-motion animation, we'd have some entertainment value here. Anyone who's seen the Corman classic Carnosaur knows what I'm talking about. But alas, we have the fake-looking and stilted creatures seen here.
Granted, the dinosaurs aren't the worst-looking or most wooden things in the movie. No, that title goes to the great Lorenzo Lamas. He's like a charisma vacuum, sucking out any charm or entertainment that might be sieved through the atrociously bland script. In a different actor's hands, we might have a performance that we can at least laugh at, or be entertained by. Lamas gives us no hammy, broad performance. In fact, he gives no performance. He kinda just struggles to remember his lines here.
However, I feel like I'm selling this movie the wrong way. It's really not completely terrible or the worst thing I've ever seen. It's just perhaps the most unremarkable movie I've ever seen. The only shining light in this pit of cinematic despair is an absurdly incoherent mess of a reason for the raptor's existence. Now, I could be misinterpreting what I saw, because they never quite come out and say it. But essentially, the movie asks us to believe that radioactive waste, combined with lava, over the period of 40 years, somehow birthed raptors. And one T-Rex.
Oh right, the T-Rex.
I take back what I said about the apt title.
As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions for future reviews in the comments or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
"Raptor Island" - Maria's Take
Hello everyone in cyberspace!
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Coming Soon: 'Raptor Island'
"Let's get this party started. Hooya!"
This is the first entry in our two-week Lorenzo Lamas festival. Never has there been a better thespian.
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