"The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon" - Zach's Take

Two words:Insufferably boring.

The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon is a new contender for the worst movie we've endured here at CFP. It's a plodding, confusing, humorless mess of a movie. There's no enjoyment to be derived from it. In fact, there's exactly two interesting things that happen in this film, and both last less than five seconds put together. One, a man's head is sliced in half by an Aztec booby-trap (which sounds way more awesome than it actually is) and two, an Aztec High Priest rips some guys heart out. But, you guessed it, Temple of Doom did it way better. So really, there's one interesting thing going on in this movie.

The real problem with the film is the script. The pacing is sub-glacial. The characters are completely and utterly undefined and stock. There's no witty banter, no clever exchanges, no attempt at characterization at all. The movie's script feels like the product of a machine that was fed dozens and dozens of crappy Sci-Fi channel movies and programmed to write its own. The plotting is contrived and the tone is all over the place. Moments when you would expect a lighthearted touch or a joke or two are played deadly serious. Other moments which you would expect to be suspenseful and tense are played for laughs (which of course means that those moments don't produce laughs at all). The premise of the film is dumb to be sure, but in better hands I'm certain a more entertaining film could have been made.

Lastly, the absolute worst thing about this movie is Shannon Doherty. I can't tell what's more uneven, her acting or her eyes. ZING!!! But seriously, while some of the other actors try and inject some life and over-the-top charm into their roles, Doherty just plays it completely bored and flat. That's partly the reason why the tone feels weird, because she's just a in totally different scene than everybody else, every scene.

Really, just do yourself a favor and skip this awful, terrible film. The only surprise to be found from it is that it is not a Sci-Fi Channel movie. This putrescent cinematic abortion was produced by Starz! and is all the reason anyone should need to cancel that channel from their cable service.

As always, post your thoughts in the comments below or email us at cinematicfacepalm@blogspot.com

"The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon" - Maria's Take

Okay, so you know that feeling when you are mindlessly staring at the same paragraph for what feels like hours, only to take absolutely nothing away from the reading?

Yeah, this movie kind of feels like that.

I'm still not entirely sure what this movie was about. There was some dragon/moth/knight Aztec god guy that kept our heroes running around the famous Grand Canyon caves, but other than that, the whole movie is pretty fuzzy. I think my favorite part occurred near the end: after one character supposedly sacrifices himself, and all of his scenes are replayed.

No, I'm not kidding.

The acting actually wasn't as bad as many of the other films Zach and I have screened. Michael Shanks' character, Jacob Thain, reminded me of a watered-down Niles Crane. He was a fun, Aztec-factoid spewing, nerdy professor who was conveniently placed to provide both the audience and the crew of museum folk (I am guessing here, I know Shannon Doherty was on a rescue mission, but I'm not sure if the others where archeologists or scientists or what) with useful knowledge about the Aztec civilization.

The writing, however, was painful. Every single line was a cliche. The garbage that spewed forth from Ms. Doherty's ever-pouting piehole was nothing more than contrived, unoriginal putrescence. The plot and time-line were muddled, though granted, I paid very little attention to most of this movie. I can't explain what was wrong with this film, boring just isn't the right word.

Remember when you were a kid and you and your ragtag group of miscreant friends decided to act out your own version of "Indiana Jones." And remember how you had that one friend, the guy who you really didn't like but hung out with you anyway? Do you recollect how he used to change the rules of the "Indiana Jones" game so much that it lost any sense of what you set out to originally play? Now pretend some hotshot Hollywood producer gave said friend a couple million dollars to build a set and throw some extras into the background...

Welcome to "The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon."

Coming Soon! "The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon"

Wait, Aztecs have been living in a cave somewhere in close proximity to the Grand Canyon? Okay, I'll buy that.

WAIT, Shannen Doherty keeps getting work?!