"Cutthroat Island" - Maria's Take

Pirates, treasure, exploding ships, cutlasses, scene-stealing monkeys; never would I have imagined a movie jam-packed with all of these things could ever be so painfully boring. Starring the usually charismatic and likable Geena Davis and Matthew Modine, "Cutthroat Island" succeeded with sucking these two actors dry of any personality. The script was abysmal, the acting was stilted and poorly directed, the sound editing was obnoxiously uneven, the special effects and makeup were sloppy, and the sets were cheesy.

Hmm, I wonder why this movie bombed?!

The plot is so cliche it is barely worth mentioning. Morgan, portrayed lazily by Geena Davis, is a lady pirate searching for her late father's treasure. She happens upon William Shaw (according to Zach--I heard him called "Sean"),played by Matthew Modine, some sort of thief-liar-slave, whom she buys and falls in love with. They are racing against Frank Langella's character, one whose name I missed, who also wants the treasure--basically because they needed an antagonist. Good wins out, blah, blah, blah.

My biggest issue with this film was the writers didn't even try to write dialogue authentic for the time period. Actually, to be fair, little of this movie's production reflected the mid 17th century. The jokes were mostly visual and usually consisted of either a kick in the groin or the monkey (who is, inexplicably, either mentioned or seen in every shot) thinking he's people. One of the British soldiers looks remarkably like Louis XIV, which doesn't begin to make sense, and the other characters look straight out of the Dark Ages.

This movie failed for a great number of reasons: it was painfully tedious, the story took far too long to resolve itself, the characters were boring or generic at best, and most noticeably, the filmmakers tried way too hard. This film tried to be eveything, a romance, an action flick, a costume drama, a comedy; and yet it failed at every one. Ultimately, it was a boring 2 plus hours of cinematic disaster that dragged a couple of likable actors down with its sinking ship.

On the bright side, this is EXACTLY the type of film Zach and I created this blog to review. It is Hollywood at it's most cringe-worthy, and to that I say cheers to you, Mr. Bigshot Producer, I hope that 140 million dollar loss feels really good right about now.

"Funky Monkey" - Maria's Take

You know what I liked about this movie? The comedy was subtle.

Comedies today are all about parody; these days it is tough to find a perfectly timed kicked-in-the-crotch gag. Well, my lovely CFP readers, "Funky Monkey" gives you not one, but two beautifully shot, wonderfully executed kicked-in-the-crotch routines.

This movie reminded me of those I loved as a kid, "Dunston Checks In," "Air Bud," and "Gordy." It never tries to be smarter or wittier than it is, and for that I am really appreciative. The majority of popular movies today have smack-talking rodents ripping off the slow motion scenes from "The Matrix." Is "Funky Monkey" a brilliant film that will make kids smarter? No. Is "Funky Monkey" a silly, stupid movie with fun to watch sight gags? Absolutely.

The premise of the movie is second to watching the monkey, "Clemens," make silly faces. The story revolves around smooth-talking, skateboard riding "McCall," played by Matthew Modine. Remember Matthew Modine? He was in "Full Metal Jacket." Did you wonder what happened to him? He is playing second banana to a chimp. (Pardon the pun). Anyway, McCall discovers that the company he is contracted to, Z.I.T., is performing experiments on their animals. The specifics of the experiments are never fully explained, but they apparently require the monkeys to wear stupid costumes. McCall's best bud, the forementioned Clemens, is too awesome to be experimented on (he knows kung-fu for God's sake), so McCall saves him, and restores Clemens dignity by attiring him in Hawaiian shirts--thus, Clemens' transformation into utmost funkiness.

All the while, young Michael Dean, an apparent genius (I say apparent because we are only told this fact, honestly, I found him pretty dopey), is trying to score the attention of cheerleader Christina. Of course, as this is a movie about high school, Michael is picked on by the bigger, electric-scooter riding football players.

The two stories eventually collide and ultimately evil wins. No, I kid, I kid, the bad guys lose and Michael gets his kiss. Sorry to spoil the movie, but honestly, as I mentioned before, the premise is nowhere near as entertaining as watching Clemens make silly faces when he is not being coached.

Overall, it is really hard for me to trash this movie. It wasn't brilliant and didn't offer me anything, but it was fun to watch and, several times, intentionally funny. If I were 8 or 9, I probably would've watched this movie several times a week.

I apologize if you wanted me to attack this movie or call it out on its misgivings. Sure, Michael's acting is atrocious and he obviously went through puberty while shooting--he has a mustache in certain scenes, but this wasn't exactly a challenging role. The most ridiculous part was the adult actors cast: Roma Downey, Matthew Modine, and Jeffrey Tambor. All three of these well-respected actors accepted roles in a film called, "Funky Monkey." It is just difficult to be harsh or critical of a movie that never tries to be something it isn't.

Next week however, we are watching a movie about people finding ancient treasure in the Grand Canyon...oh yeah, it is going to be epic.