Showing posts with label vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vampires. Show all posts

Saturday, July 17, 2010

"Blood Angels" -- Zach's Take

Blood Angels, or (Thralls, apparently) may be the first film so far that has lived up to our expectations of delightfully entertaining dreadfulness. It's got lots of bland, hackneyed dialogue and one-liners, "stars" with zero charisma, and lots of poorly done blood and gore. All in all, it was the most entertaining film we've reviewed so far.

Directed with all the subtlety and finesse of a 90's music video, Blood Angels tells the story of a bunch of...ah, never mind. It's some half-vampire chicks who want to be full vampires. Sounds stupid? Good, because it is. Of course, there are a lot of dumb moments where the logic of the world these characters exist in becomes increasingly more confused and asinine. Did you know that the blood of two half-vampire chicks, when given to a human, can turn said human into a "full" vampire?

I mean, there are a lot of bafflingly stupid moments in these types of movies, and that's what we're looking for at CFP. Consider the fact that one of the half-vampire chicks carries around a gun loaded with silver bullets, despite the fact that there is not a single werewolf in the movie. Was that throwaway line about the gun being loaded with silver bullets supposed to make us excited at the prospect of a werewolf being in the movie? I honestly don't know what the reasoning for it was.

However, the real high point of the movie comes when the actress playing Lene (don't ask about the name, it's stupid) pronounces "Necronomicon" as "Necromonicon." Yup. Apparently they couldn't be bothered to do a second take or at least ADR it out (it was a freaking wide shot, nobody would have noticed if they had re-dubbed the dialogue!). Instead, they opted to spit in the face of one of the most influential horror writers ever. Hey, H.P. Lovecraft, you spelled it wrong, dumbass! Go learn Latin, you idiot!

Even more perplexing is that despite the obvious laziness on behalf of the filmmakers, the ambitions of the film are ridiculous. The writers clearly wanted to make a statement about gender politics in a crappy direct-to-video cheesefest. The half-vampire chicks (Don't call 'em chicks, man!) free themselves from the control of a man (Lorenzo Lamas) who has them chained up in his attic. They spend the duration of the film fighting him off as he spouts off deriding, sexist one-liners. The main chick has severe daddy issues. Also, the one half-vampire chick who wants to forge an "eternal partnership" with the man is portrayed as a traitor to the rest of the gals.

The movie would be kind of stupidly smart if it weren't so on-the-nose and full of gratuitous cleavage shots. The filmmakers are trying to have their cake and eat it too, but in this case the cake is a lot dumber than they think it is and also stars Lorenzo Lamas. Wait, I think I screwed that up.

Whatever, Lorenzo Lamas sucks again and this movie is kinda fun. Check it out if you want a profound, poetic analysis of femininity in the post-modern age. Also, boobs.

As always, please leave your comments below or email us with any suggestions!

"Blood Angels" - Maria's Take

"Blood Angels" is a poignant coming of age story, a bildungsroman if you will, of young, naive Ashley. Ashley, haunted by the memories of her abusive father, travels to whatever part of Iowa necessitates being referred to as "urban," to live with her older sister Leslie and Leslie's club-owning friends. During a rave commemorating the winter solstice, she meets and falls for Jim, a strapping, young farm lad. Ashley realizes that while it might be confusing, and often times scary, growing up is a necessary evil.

Nah, I'm just joking, "Blood Angels" is a crappy vampire flick starring Lorenzo Lamas.

So we meet Ashley at a bus station. Right from the start we know she is a total nerd; she has pigtails and wears one of those vest-jackets. She is attacked by a gang of hooligans that get their comeuppance when Leslie, Ashley's hotter, more sharply dressed sister, inexplicably karate chops the hell out of the no-good-nicks.

Long story short, Leslie and her sisterhood of "thralls" (one who is in between a vampire and a human) own a club and are always on guard against their evil vampire captor, Mr. Jones. Lots of stuff happens and Ashley ultimately becomes a vampire. Her transformation, most unsubtly her "coming of age," results in instantly crimped hair, a pound of makeup, a hot corset, and her very own set of boobs.

This movie felt like a crappy TV series more than a full length motion picture. There were instances that seemed to pause for commercial breaks, and Mr. Jones appeared to be a ripoff of the title character from "Angel." The special effects looked lazily put together, and the ending felt rushed.

Having said my bit, this movie held my interest and entertained me. The bad acting--particularly Lorenzo Lamas' "sound effects" he seems to believe bats and vampires would make--got a few giggles out of me.

Basically, compared to our last few films, this movie was fun. This is the sort of movie Zach and I expected to review for our blog. If you are lazing around on a Sunday afternoon and see this silly vampire flick on USA or TNT, check it out. A film such as this helps you forget your stresses and just allows you to laugh at how much of a struggle reading lines can be for Mr. Lamas.

Stay tuned for next week, Zach and I review a reader-recommended film!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Coming Soon! "Blood Angels"



Will Lorenzo Lamas, the "charisma vacuum," suck all the fun out of this trashy vampire flick?


....

See what I did there?