"Blood Angels" -- Zach's Take

Blood Angels, or (Thralls, apparently) may be the first film so far that has lived up to our expectations of delightfully entertaining dreadfulness. It's got lots of bland, hackneyed dialogue and one-liners, "stars" with zero charisma, and lots of poorly done blood and gore. All in all, it was the most entertaining film we've reviewed so far.

Directed with all the subtlety and finesse of a 90's music video, Blood Angels tells the story of a bunch of...ah, never mind. It's some half-vampire chicks who want to be full vampires. Sounds stupid? Good, because it is. Of course, there are a lot of dumb moments where the logic of the world these characters exist in becomes increasingly more confused and asinine. Did you know that the blood of two half-vampire chicks, when given to a human, can turn said human into a "full" vampire?

I mean, there are a lot of bafflingly stupid moments in these types of movies, and that's what we're looking for at CFP. Consider the fact that one of the half-vampire chicks carries around a gun loaded with silver bullets, despite the fact that there is not a single werewolf in the movie. Was that throwaway line about the gun being loaded with silver bullets supposed to make us excited at the prospect of a werewolf being in the movie? I honestly don't know what the reasoning for it was.

However, the real high point of the movie comes when the actress playing Lene (don't ask about the name, it's stupid) pronounces "Necronomicon" as "Necromonicon." Yup. Apparently they couldn't be bothered to do a second take or at least ADR it out (it was a freaking wide shot, nobody would have noticed if they had re-dubbed the dialogue!). Instead, they opted to spit in the face of one of the most influential horror writers ever. Hey, H.P. Lovecraft, you spelled it wrong, dumbass! Go learn Latin, you idiot!

Even more perplexing is that despite the obvious laziness on behalf of the filmmakers, the ambitions of the film are ridiculous. The writers clearly wanted to make a statement about gender politics in a crappy direct-to-video cheesefest. The half-vampire chicks (Don't call 'em chicks, man!) free themselves from the control of a man (Lorenzo Lamas) who has them chained up in his attic. They spend the duration of the film fighting him off as he spouts off deriding, sexist one-liners. The main chick has severe daddy issues. Also, the one half-vampire chick who wants to forge an "eternal partnership" with the man is portrayed as a traitor to the rest of the gals.

The movie would be kind of stupidly smart if it weren't so on-the-nose and full of gratuitous cleavage shots. The filmmakers are trying to have their cake and eat it too, but in this case the cake is a lot dumber than they think it is and also stars Lorenzo Lamas. Wait, I think I screwed that up.

Whatever, Lorenzo Lamas sucks again and this movie is kinda fun. Check it out if you want a profound, poetic analysis of femininity in the post-modern age. Also, boobs.

As always, please leave your comments below or email us with any suggestions!