"Blood Angels" is a poignant coming of age story, a bildungsroman if you will, of young, naive Ashley. Ashley, haunted by the memories of her abusive father, travels to whatever part of Iowa necessitates being referred to as "urban," to live with her older sister Leslie and Leslie's club-owning friends. During a rave commemorating the winter solstice, she meets and falls for Jim, a strapping, young farm lad. Ashley realizes that while it might be confusing, and often times scary, growing up is a necessary evil.
Nah, I'm just joking, "Blood Angels" is a crappy vampire flick starring Lorenzo Lamas.
So we meet Ashley at a bus station. Right from the start we know she is a total nerd; she has pigtails and wears one of those vest-jackets. She is attacked by a gang of hooligans that get their comeuppance when Leslie, Ashley's hotter, more sharply dressed sister, inexplicably karate chops the hell out of the no-good-nicks.
Long story short, Leslie and her sisterhood of "thralls" (one who is in between a vampire and a human) own a club and are always on guard against their evil vampire captor, Mr. Jones. Lots of stuff happens and Ashley ultimately becomes a vampire. Her transformation, most unsubtly her "coming of age," results in instantly crimped hair, a pound of makeup, a hot corset, and her very own set of boobs.
This movie felt like a crappy TV series more than a full length motion picture. There were instances that seemed to pause for commercial breaks, and Mr. Jones appeared to be a ripoff of the title character from "Angel." The special effects looked lazily put together, and the ending felt rushed.
Having said my bit, this movie held my interest and entertained me. The bad acting--particularly Lorenzo Lamas' "sound effects" he seems to believe bats and vampires would make--got a few giggles out of me.
Basically, compared to our last few films, this movie was fun. This is the sort of movie Zach and I expected to review for our blog. If you are lazing around on a Sunday afternoon and see this silly vampire flick on USA or TNT, check it out. A film such as this helps you forget your stresses and just allows you to laugh at how much of a struggle reading lines can be for Mr. Lamas.
Stay tuned for next week, Zach and I review a reader-recommended film!
"Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them." - Pauline Kael
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Coming Soon! "Blood Angels"
Will Lorenzo Lamas, the "charisma vacuum," suck all the fun out of this trashy vampire flick?
....
See what I did there?
"Raptor Island" - Zach's Take
Raptor Island.
Just about the only good thing I can say about this movie is that its title is apt. There are raptors. And they are on an island (I mean, as far as we know -- we were never shown that all sides of the landmass were surrounded by water...). Of course, this being a Sci-Fi Channel movie (before it become "Syfy" in a desperate attempt to lock down a trademark) the actual content doesn't live up to the name.
It doesn't help that the raptors in this film are like a cut-and-paste job of the raptors from Jurassic Park. They look like a 3D modeling student's first assignment for school. Blurry, low-res textures on an awkwardly animated frame. This movie was made eleven years after Jurassic Park. You'd think that budget effects houses would be able to churn out CG that at least matches a decade-old film, but apparently not.
I feel like if the raptors were done practically with puppets and stop-motion animation, we'd have some entertainment value here. Anyone who's seen the Corman classic Carnosaur knows what I'm talking about. But alas, we have the fake-looking and stilted creatures seen here.
Granted, the dinosaurs aren't the worst-looking or most wooden things in the movie. No, that title goes to the great Lorenzo Lamas. He's like a charisma vacuum, sucking out any charm or entertainment that might be sieved through the atrociously bland script. In a different actor's hands, we might have a performance that we can at least laugh at, or be entertained by. Lamas gives us no hammy, broad performance. In fact, he gives no performance. He kinda just struggles to remember his lines here.
However, I feel like I'm selling this movie the wrong way. It's really not completely terrible or the worst thing I've ever seen. It's just perhaps the most unremarkable movie I've ever seen. The only shining light in this pit of cinematic despair is an absurdly incoherent mess of a reason for the raptor's existence. Now, I could be misinterpreting what I saw, because they never quite come out and say it. But essentially, the movie asks us to believe that radioactive waste, combined with lava, over the period of 40 years, somehow birthed raptors. And one T-Rex.
Oh right, the T-Rex.
I take back what I said about the apt title.
As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions for future reviews in the comments or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
Just about the only good thing I can say about this movie is that its title is apt. There are raptors. And they are on an island (I mean, as far as we know -- we were never shown that all sides of the landmass were surrounded by water...). Of course, this being a Sci-Fi Channel movie (before it become "Syfy" in a desperate attempt to lock down a trademark) the actual content doesn't live up to the name.
It doesn't help that the raptors in this film are like a cut-and-paste job of the raptors from Jurassic Park. They look like a 3D modeling student's first assignment for school. Blurry, low-res textures on an awkwardly animated frame. This movie was made eleven years after Jurassic Park. You'd think that budget effects houses would be able to churn out CG that at least matches a decade-old film, but apparently not.
I feel like if the raptors were done practically with puppets and stop-motion animation, we'd have some entertainment value here. Anyone who's seen the Corman classic Carnosaur knows what I'm talking about. But alas, we have the fake-looking and stilted creatures seen here.
Granted, the dinosaurs aren't the worst-looking or most wooden things in the movie. No, that title goes to the great Lorenzo Lamas. He's like a charisma vacuum, sucking out any charm or entertainment that might be sieved through the atrociously bland script. In a different actor's hands, we might have a performance that we can at least laugh at, or be entertained by. Lamas gives us no hammy, broad performance. In fact, he gives no performance. He kinda just struggles to remember his lines here.
However, I feel like I'm selling this movie the wrong way. It's really not completely terrible or the worst thing I've ever seen. It's just perhaps the most unremarkable movie I've ever seen. The only shining light in this pit of cinematic despair is an absurdly incoherent mess of a reason for the raptor's existence. Now, I could be misinterpreting what I saw, because they never quite come out and say it. But essentially, the movie asks us to believe that radioactive waste, combined with lava, over the period of 40 years, somehow birthed raptors. And one T-Rex.
Oh right, the T-Rex.
I take back what I said about the apt title.
As always, leave your thoughts or suggestions for future reviews in the comments or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
"Raptor Island" - Maria's Take
Hello everyone in cyberspace!
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
What can I say about "Raptor Island?" Well, I have been putting this review off because I have very little to say. Lorenzo Lamas is in it; he has perfectly quaffed hair and enough awful one-liners to make Rainier Wolfcastle blush. The film was miserable--I actually found myself nodding off.
I guess my biggest gripe is that for a movie with a badass title like "Raptor Island," I expected something more. The monsters were pathetic "Jurassic Park" ripoffs. How the extinct carnivores came back to life was never fully explained--aside from a rushed "radioactive waste disaster" explanation. The film just bugged me.
The acting was terrible, but I suppose when the big name is Lorenzo Lamas, one cannot expect Oscar-worthy performances. I'm pretty sure the lead female's name changed half-way through the film. Lamas was calling her "Nicole" for the first part of the movie, but then her name was suddenly "Jamie." Granted, in my dazed-by-this-atrocious-piece-of-garbage's state, maybe I just misheard the always eloquent Lorenzo Lamas. However, in what universe does "Jamie" sound like "Nicole?"
Maybe in a universe where a jungle island in China looks like a forest in Connecticut.
I actually just had myself a deep sigh. Such a release is only saved for the most dire occasions; and this may be one my more dire moments.
Ladies and gentleman, friends and internet stalkers alike, I fear I am losing my faith in bad film-making; such an art-form used to mean something in this girl's heart. Alas, when boring, lackluster drivel like this nonsense calls itself "entertainment," we are losing something important.
So, in this, my time of need, I reach out to you, oh, precious reader. I beg of you to lead me to such a rotting, suffocating, worthless piece of putrescent cinema, that I can once again call myself a connoisseur of cinematic garbage.
Wherever Heather Graham dances to an 80s song in a dressing room montage...I'll be there.
Wherever Mario Lopez feels like taking off his shirt will make his career...I'll be there.
Wherever Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez decide to make another film...I'll be there.
And wherever a young filmmaker with ten bucks, a bottle of vodka, and some freeloader friends decide they can make a sequel to "Titanic"...oh, my CFP friends, you know I will be there.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Coming Soon: 'Raptor Island'
"Let's get this party started. Hooya!"
This is the first entry in our two-week Lorenzo Lamas festival. Never has there been a better thespian.
'Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys' - Zach's Take
Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys is astoundingly mediocre. Considering the other movies we've reviewed so far, that should come as high praise. It's neither completely boring nor a cheese-filled good time. It's just kinda...meh.
I mean, Corey Feldman is clearly in on the joke, chewing each and every scene he's in with an awful raspy voice and hammy over-acting. But everyone else is well, frankly forgettable. Not that I was expecting Oscar-winning performances, but still.
The real problem with this film, which is not uncommon for the celluloid trash in the horror category, is that it fails to live up to its name. It should have been called Relatives of the Main Guy from the first 'Puppet Master' Versus the Daughter of the Guy from the First 'Demonic Toys'. It's a little long, but hey, it's also a little more honest.
The puppets (who are actually pretty cool) have a total of about five minutes of screen time in this whole thing. In fact, I think the demonic toys have more presence and relevance to the plot than the puppets do. Which is just wrong.
Let's also consider the body count for this thing. Any respectable cheesy horror flick has a body count of at least four or five (but as we all know, the more the better). Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys has no main cast deaths. Not a single person with more than fifteen seconds of screen time is killed in this movie. Come on! It's not that hard!
On the plus side, there is a cool make up job for the demon Bael, but surprise! He 's barely in this.
Overall, the sheer mediocrity of this film almost paradoxically means you should stay away. Yeah, I know I said it was a better film than the others we've done. But this isn't a so-bad-it's-good trainwreck like C Me Dance or The Room. Nope, it's just bland made-for-TV Sci-Fi Channel garbage.
As always, email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com with any suggestions for films you want us to review. And don't forget to post your thoughts in the comments!
I mean, Corey Feldman is clearly in on the joke, chewing each and every scene he's in with an awful raspy voice and hammy over-acting. But everyone else is well, frankly forgettable. Not that I was expecting Oscar-winning performances, but still.
The real problem with this film, which is not uncommon for the celluloid trash in the horror category, is that it fails to live up to its name. It should have been called Relatives of the Main Guy from the first 'Puppet Master' Versus the Daughter of the Guy from the First 'Demonic Toys'. It's a little long, but hey, it's also a little more honest.
The puppets (who are actually pretty cool) have a total of about five minutes of screen time in this whole thing. In fact, I think the demonic toys have more presence and relevance to the plot than the puppets do. Which is just wrong.
Let's also consider the body count for this thing. Any respectable cheesy horror flick has a body count of at least four or five (but as we all know, the more the better). Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys has no main cast deaths. Not a single person with more than fifteen seconds of screen time is killed in this movie. Come on! It's not that hard!
On the plus side, there is a cool make up job for the demon Bael, but surprise! He 's barely in this.
Overall, the sheer mediocrity of this film almost paradoxically means you should stay away. Yeah, I know I said it was a better film than the others we've done. But this isn't a so-bad-it's-good trainwreck like C Me Dance or The Room. Nope, it's just bland made-for-TV Sci-Fi Channel garbage.
As always, email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com with any suggestions for films you want us to review. And don't forget to post your thoughts in the comments!
"Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys" - Maria's Take
So, this was the best movie we have screened so far. There was nothing blatantly offensive, it had Corey Feldman in it, and the story had a beginning, middle, and end; though it did leave open the possibility for a sequel.
It was so boring.
It started out surprisingly decent. I found some of the gags funny and even kind of clever. The storyline was well defined, the acting wasn't as atrocious as we've seen in other films, and while the effects are awful, this film was not comparable to the over the top train wrecks that Zach and I have subjected ourselves to through this little experiment. This film just couldn't hold my interest.
About fifteen minutes into the film, Zach and I started discussing the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, "Jingle All the Way." We both put on our worst impressions and made the other laugh; all the while, Mr. Feldman was emoting something terrible in the background. That's right, you heard it here folks, our discussion on Jake Lloyd and Turboman entertained us more than this film ever could.
Like I said, there wasn't anything specifically wrong with this movie, it just wasn't fun to watch. Some of the exposition was unclear to me, but I blame that more on not having seen the previous films in this series rather than any fault made by the writer or director.
There was some truly awful dubbing, but nothing appalling--except maybe the fact that Corey Feldman's career has sunk so low he is now doing Sy Fy continuations of a film series few have seen. The man was in License to Drive for God's sake!
Zach just mentioned to me that David Goyer wrote this film. I guess that's tragic, but I find it more tragic that David Goyer keeps getting work. Sure, he is a good idea man, but that doesn't mean he is anything special when it comes to dialogue.
See what I mean about this film? Instead of discussing Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, I am instead breaking down the missteps of Goyer's career.
Overall, this movie is bad. It has no endearing characters, few exciting moments, and no camp. What draws viewers to later installments within franchises in the novelty value. This film has nothing to offer.
Go watch Jason X instead, it's great--he's in space.
It was so boring.
It started out surprisingly decent. I found some of the gags funny and even kind of clever. The storyline was well defined, the acting wasn't as atrocious as we've seen in other films, and while the effects are awful, this film was not comparable to the over the top train wrecks that Zach and I have subjected ourselves to through this little experiment. This film just couldn't hold my interest.
About fifteen minutes into the film, Zach and I started discussing the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, "Jingle All the Way." We both put on our worst impressions and made the other laugh; all the while, Mr. Feldman was emoting something terrible in the background. That's right, you heard it here folks, our discussion on Jake Lloyd and Turboman entertained us more than this film ever could.
Like I said, there wasn't anything specifically wrong with this movie, it just wasn't fun to watch. Some of the exposition was unclear to me, but I blame that more on not having seen the previous films in this series rather than any fault made by the writer or director.
There was some truly awful dubbing, but nothing appalling--except maybe the fact that Corey Feldman's career has sunk so low he is now doing Sy Fy continuations of a film series few have seen. The man was in License to Drive for God's sake!
Zach just mentioned to me that David Goyer wrote this film. I guess that's tragic, but I find it more tragic that David Goyer keeps getting work. Sure, he is a good idea man, but that doesn't mean he is anything special when it comes to dialogue.
See what I mean about this film? Instead of discussing Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys, I am instead breaking down the missteps of Goyer's career.
Overall, this movie is bad. It has no endearing characters, few exciting moments, and no camp. What draws viewers to later installments within franchises in the novelty value. This film has nothing to offer.
Go watch Jason X instead, it's great--he's in space.
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