"Cutthroat Island" - Maria's Take

Pirates, treasure, exploding ships, cutlasses, scene-stealing monkeys; never would I have imagined a movie jam-packed with all of these things could ever be so painfully boring. Starring the usually charismatic and likable Geena Davis and Matthew Modine, "Cutthroat Island" succeeded with sucking these two actors dry of any personality. The script was abysmal, the acting was stilted and poorly directed, the sound editing was obnoxiously uneven, the special effects and makeup were sloppy, and the sets were cheesy.

Hmm, I wonder why this movie bombed?!

The plot is so cliche it is barely worth mentioning. Morgan, portrayed lazily by Geena Davis, is a lady pirate searching for her late father's treasure. She happens upon William Shaw (according to Zach--I heard him called "Sean"),played by Matthew Modine, some sort of thief-liar-slave, whom she buys and falls in love with. They are racing against Frank Langella's character, one whose name I missed, who also wants the treasure--basically because they needed an antagonist. Good wins out, blah, blah, blah.

My biggest issue with this film was the writers didn't even try to write dialogue authentic for the time period. Actually, to be fair, little of this movie's production reflected the mid 17th century. The jokes were mostly visual and usually consisted of either a kick in the groin or the monkey (who is, inexplicably, either mentioned or seen in every shot) thinking he's people. One of the British soldiers looks remarkably like Louis XIV, which doesn't begin to make sense, and the other characters look straight out of the Dark Ages.

This movie failed for a great number of reasons: it was painfully tedious, the story took far too long to resolve itself, the characters were boring or generic at best, and most noticeably, the filmmakers tried way too hard. This film tried to be eveything, a romance, an action flick, a costume drama, a comedy; and yet it failed at every one. Ultimately, it was a boring 2 plus hours of cinematic disaster that dragged a couple of likable actors down with its sinking ship.

On the bright side, this is EXACTLY the type of film Zach and I created this blog to review. It is Hollywood at it's most cringe-worthy, and to that I say cheers to you, Mr. Bigshot Producer, I hope that 140 million dollar loss feels really good right about now.

"Cutthroat Island" - Zach's Take

Before watching Cutthroat Island, I was afraid that I might actually enjoy the film. I feared that it would be better than its reputation would lead one to believe. It couldn't be as bad as people say, no. It must be unfairly maligned! And if it wasn't so terrible, it has no place on our blog.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

It's a miserable, plodding, cliche-ridden borefest. When the producers set out to make this film, it's clear that they wanted to make something akin to the Errol Flynn swashbuckling adventure films. What they forgot was the adventure and swashbuckling. Sure, there's lots of swordplay in this film, but none of it is exciting or remotely interesting because a.) the characters are absolutely one-note, and b.)the choreography is extremely stagey and tame. Not to mention, no less than 57% per cent of this movie is in slow motion. Director Renny Harlin inexplicably decides to switch between slow motion and normal shots for the majority of the movie's action sequences. There's no rhythm, no intention. The slow motion is never used to build the tension or suspense. It kinda just comes out of nowhere. At times, it feels like the slo-mo shots were an accident, but the producers realized they were already $100 million in the hole and couldn't go back to do reshoots.

What I'm getting at is this movie, which focuses almost exclusively on action, can't even get the action scenes right. I mean, if you're going to ignore characterization, humor, and quick-plotting in exchange for lots of sword fights, then at least make the fights fun!

There's no single fault in this movie. It's the product of a million astoundingly awful decisions. Terrible script. Boring direction. Zero chemistry between Matthew Modine and Geena Davis. And that goddamned monkey the producers decided to throw in to appeal to children for comic relief.

The movie has one ambition that is kind of admirable, and that's making a female the protagonist as well as the major player in all the fights. There's a real shortage of decent female action heroes. Sadly, Geena Davis is the actress called in to possess the dry-cool wit and physicality required for the role. Look, Geena Davis is fine most of the time. She does what's required of her in The Fly, she's not bad in Beetlejuice, and she's not terrible in A League of their Own. But she is terrible in this. I'm sorry, but she does not strike me as a badass pirate chick.

Don't even get me started on Matthew Modine.

All-in-all, this was painful to sit through. I love big, dumb fun as much as the next moviegoer, but this movie is just a bloated, moronic chore. It's also one of the biggest box office bombs of all time. Sometimes, only sometimes, the American public gets it right. Thankfully, this one got buried out to sea.

As always , leave your thoughts in the comments below or email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com

Coming Soon - "Cutthroat Island"!

Geena Davis and Matthew Modine! This movie must've made a killing!

Oh, right.

Geena Davis now does quickly cancelled TV shows, and Matthew Modine was in "Funky Monkey."