Unfortunately, I was wrong.
It's a miserable, plodding, cliche-ridden borefest. When the producers set out to make this film, it's clear that they wanted to make something akin to the Errol Flynn swashbuckling adventure films. What they forgot was the adventure and swashbuckling. Sure, there's lots of swordplay in this film, but none of it is exciting or remotely interesting because a.) the characters are absolutely one-note, and b.)the choreography is extremely stagey and tame. Not to mention, no less than 57% per cent of this movie is in slow motion. Director Renny Harlin inexplicably decides to switch between slow motion and normal shots for the majority of the movie's action sequences. There's no rhythm, no intention. The slow motion is never used to build the tension or suspense. It kinda just comes out of nowhere. At times, it feels like the slo-mo shots were an accident, but the producers realized they were already $100 million in the hole and couldn't go back to do reshoots.
What I'm getting at is this movie, which focuses almost exclusively on action, can't even get the action scenes right. I mean, if you're going to ignore characterization, humor, and quick-plotting in exchange for lots of sword fights, then at least make the fights fun!
There's no single fault in this movie. It's the product of a million astoundingly awful decisions. Terrible script. Boring direction. Zero chemistry between Matthew Modine and Geena Davis. And that goddamned monkey the producers decided to throw in to appeal to children for comic relief.
The movie has one ambition that is kind of admirable, and that's making a female the protagonist as well as the major player in all the fights. There's a real shortage of decent female action heroes. Sadly, Geena Davis is the actress called in to possess the dry-cool wit and physicality required for the role. Look, Geena Davis is fine most of the time. She does what's required of her in The Fly, she's not bad in Beetlejuice, and she's not terrible in A League of their Own. But she is terrible in this. I'm sorry, but she does not strike me as a badass pirate chick.
There's no single fault in this movie. It's the product of a million astoundingly awful decisions. Terrible script. Boring direction. Zero chemistry between Matthew Modine and Geena Davis. And that goddamned monkey the producers decided to throw in to appeal to children for comic relief.
The movie has one ambition that is kind of admirable, and that's making a female the protagonist as well as the major player in all the fights. There's a real shortage of decent female action heroes. Sadly, Geena Davis is the actress called in to possess the dry-cool wit and physicality required for the role. Look, Geena Davis is fine most of the time. She does what's required of her in The Fly, she's not bad in Beetlejuice, and she's not terrible in A League of their Own. But she is terrible in this. I'm sorry, but she does not strike me as a badass pirate chick.
Don't even get me started on Matthew Modine.
All-in-all, this was painful to sit through. I love big, dumb fun as much as the next moviegoer, but this movie is just a bloated, moronic chore. It's also one of the biggest box office bombs of all time. Sometimes, only sometimes, the American public gets it right. Thankfully, this one got buried out to sea.
As always , leave your thoughts in the comments below or email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment