"Ishtar" - Zach's Take

Ishtar's reputation is that of one of the worst films ever made. A colossal failure. A staggering display of ineptitude.

I can't say that I necessarily agree with that sentiment, but it is mostly terrible. The acting is fine. But that's about it.

Really, the fault of the film comes down squarely to Writer/Director Elaine May. Basically, the script is atrociously structured. The first act mostly consists Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty singing terrible songs in a desperate attempt to get laughs from the audience. Those laughs never come. We get it, they're terrible singers. Can we learn something about their characters so that we care about them? No? Why Not? Because Elaine May couldn't be bothered to flesh out their characters beyond the fact that they're bad singers? Oh, okay. Let's just have another insufferable scene of the two guys singing terribly until suddenly we are thrown into the Middle East and introduced to a stupid plot revolving around an ancient map and a power struggle between the CIA and communists.

Ugh.

The only time this movie even slightly amused me was when a blind camel comes into play. Even then, I was laughing at how ridiculously derpy camels are, not the scene itself. Seriously, look:

"HURF DURF I'M A CAMEL!! ISHTAR IS AN UNDERRATED CLASSIC!"

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, this movie isn't the worst picture ever made, not by a long shot. But it is a pretty terrible Hollywood movie, with very few redeeming qualities. It's also one of the laziest big budget movies I've ever seen. There was clearly very little thought put into any aspect of it. Considering the talent involved, I guess I understand why it's been so mercilessly eviscerated by critics and the public. After seeing it, I can't really be bothered to defend it.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments below or email us with suggestions at cinematicfacepalm@blogspot.com

Coming Soon - Ishtar

Continuing on in our "Box Office Blunders" series, we have the notorious Ishtar. This is probably the only one in our list that I've consistently seen a small few actually defend.

Judging from the trailer, I can see why. I mean, Dustin Hoffman has never been in a bad movie!

And every single Warren Beatty movie is a classic. Charles Grodin's filmography is simply flawless.

"Cutthroat Island" - Zach's Take

Before watching Cutthroat Island, I was afraid that I might actually enjoy the film. I feared that it would be better than its reputation would lead one to believe. It couldn't be as bad as people say, no. It must be unfairly maligned! And if it wasn't so terrible, it has no place on our blog.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

It's a miserable, plodding, cliche-ridden borefest. When the producers set out to make this film, it's clear that they wanted to make something akin to the Errol Flynn swashbuckling adventure films. What they forgot was the adventure and swashbuckling. Sure, there's lots of swordplay in this film, but none of it is exciting or remotely interesting because a.) the characters are absolutely one-note, and b.)the choreography is extremely stagey and tame. Not to mention, no less than 57% per cent of this movie is in slow motion. Director Renny Harlin inexplicably decides to switch between slow motion and normal shots for the majority of the movie's action sequences. There's no rhythm, no intention. The slow motion is never used to build the tension or suspense. It kinda just comes out of nowhere. At times, it feels like the slo-mo shots were an accident, but the producers realized they were already $100 million in the hole and couldn't go back to do reshoots.

What I'm getting at is this movie, which focuses almost exclusively on action, can't even get the action scenes right. I mean, if you're going to ignore characterization, humor, and quick-plotting in exchange for lots of sword fights, then at least make the fights fun!

There's no single fault in this movie. It's the product of a million astoundingly awful decisions. Terrible script. Boring direction. Zero chemistry between Matthew Modine and Geena Davis. And that goddamned monkey the producers decided to throw in to appeal to children for comic relief.

The movie has one ambition that is kind of admirable, and that's making a female the protagonist as well as the major player in all the fights. There's a real shortage of decent female action heroes. Sadly, Geena Davis is the actress called in to possess the dry-cool wit and physicality required for the role. Look, Geena Davis is fine most of the time. She does what's required of her in The Fly, she's not bad in Beetlejuice, and she's not terrible in A League of their Own. But she is terrible in this. I'm sorry, but she does not strike me as a badass pirate chick.

Don't even get me started on Matthew Modine.

All-in-all, this was painful to sit through. I love big, dumb fun as much as the next moviegoer, but this movie is just a bloated, moronic chore. It's also one of the biggest box office bombs of all time. Sometimes, only sometimes, the American public gets it right. Thankfully, this one got buried out to sea.

As always , leave your thoughts in the comments below or email us at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com

Coming Soon - "Cutthroat Island"!

Geena Davis and Matthew Modine! This movie must've made a killing!

Oh, right.

Geena Davis now does quickly cancelled TV shows, and Matthew Modine was in "Funky Monkey."