Coming Soon - "Mr. Wrong"

Again, no trailer. Has the world already forgotten about the cinematic masterstroke known as Mr. Wrong? Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?

But seriously. Look at that poster. Of course, now it has an ironic quality about it, but even before Ellen came out this had to be one of the worst best posters ever created.

"D-War: Dragon Wars" -Maria's Take

That isn't a typo in my title, that is actually the name of the movie. And, for a movie called "Dragon Wars" there was far too much talking and not enough dragon warfare. I'm just sayin' is all.

Okay, so we are fed this story about a girl with a dragon tattoo...I admit I couldn't make it through those books, but I smell plagiarism. Anyway, there is this Korean legend about two warring dragons and a 20 year old girl will save the world if she sacrifices herself to the good dragon.

And then there is about 45 minutes of pointless storyline. What bugged me was so little of the story had motivation. Things happened, coincidentally and circumstantially, and everything just sort of works out. "Daryl" from "The Office" has a brief but weird cameo as a news cameraman who happens to have access to a government database. This is immensely helpful to his reporter friend, Ethan, who was told when he was a little boy that he must find this girl in order to stop the evil dragon. He learns that the girl is named Sarah and she is in Los Angeles. They find each other way too easily and fall instantly in love. Blech.

Sarah is supposed to be 19, but is the most successful 19 year old I have ever seen. I am 22 and feel like a complete slacker compared to her and her lavish lifestyle. Anyway, the character is incredibly bland and I never cared what really happened to her, as long as dragon warfare was involved.

The last 45 minutes of the movie are actually fun. A giant snake-dragon attacks the U.S. Bank building in downtown L.A. and it is actually pretty exciting. We also get the title dragon war (singular I feel compelled to add). Sarah is sacrificed, but not really killed off because it is one of those "see you in another life" type situations.

So many times Zach and I asked aloud, "How did they get there?" or "Who the hell is that guy?" and we had no answer. The visuals were lazy and the sound was all over the place. I hate movies that make me readjust the volume pretty regularly.

This movie had some interesting qualities but the execution was pretty dreadful. It just bugged me that no one was really affected by the idea that DRAGONS were attacking Los Angeles.

"D-War: Dragon Wars" - Zach's Take

I think the fact that this film is titled D-War: Dragon Wars reflexively demonstrates everything that it does wrong. What is the point of the "D-War?" Is this one war, or many? After watching the movie, I have no idea. Its Korean-ness doesn't translate well to an American-style blockbuster, resulting in a convoluted, silly, and confusing mess that is sometimes fun.

The biggest issue at the core of the movie is that the plot is bafflingly complex for such a simple premise. We don't need twenty minutes of exposition to tell us why there is a dragon slithering around Los Angeles. We don't need some dumb fable about protectors of humanity sacrificing some girl with a special tattoo to a different dragon that wants to ascend to the heavens. Just tell us that there is a good dragon and a bad dragon. Leave the nonsensical "fate" and "destiny" stuff out of this. The only reason we want to see this movie is to watch a giant mythological creature destroy buildings. The more time you spend on a story about characters whom we don't and will never care for, the more you lose your audience.

But, as I mentioned, there are some enjoyable parts to be had. The effects are mostly cheesy, but there are a few points here and there where the dragons and destruction are convincing. The big chunk in the middle of the film where some evil army of dragon dudes attacks the military is a silly bit of fun. Three helicopter pilots die because of the dragons. And for some reason, all three raise their hands above their heads right before they crash, as if they're going to get less hurt by doing so. Like I said, silly fun.

The production values of the film are slick (relative to the other schlock we've reviewed), but the ineptitude of the script reveals itself to be just standard Sci-Fi channel-esque fare on a bigger budget. There's not enough entertaining bits compared to the plodding expository bits.

Oh yeah, and the worst part about the film? For almost the entire duration, the "dragon" is really just a giant snake. It doesn't have wings or legs or anything, which makes the title that much more confusing.

Coming Soon- "D-War"

Not gonna lie, this looks like fun. But, I guess we'll see how that two minutes of goofy action fits into an hour and half movie. Please, movie gods, don't let this movie be longer than an hour and half...

"Hellblock 13" -Maria's Take

I was trying to think of a classy movie with a number in the title. The best I could come up with was "The Godfather Part II" and that was with Roman numerals. Suffice to say, "Hellblock 13" is the least classy movie with a number in the title.

To say this movie was bad would be like saying "Citizen Kane" is boring. Is it true? Yes. But it also negates the overall genius and point of the work. Of course "Hellblock 13" is terrible, cheesy, and often offensive, but it is so much more than a generic bad horror flick. This movie reuses tired storylines, hired the absolute bottom of the barrel actors, and the set pieces and props were just embarrassing. I actually felt embarrassed for this movie.

Lindsey Lohan would have made this movie better. Go ahead, re-read that sentence. I know this movie was made when Lindsey was still a little kid, but I kept thinking that this was a movie with her name all over it. The lead actress they hired was just so terrible. She was like that girl at your high school who never did a day of theater in her life but believed she had star quality and would make it someday. This girl did have a ton of heart in her performance, she tried so damn hard, but she was just so awful it hurt. She reminded me of a precocious kid that had one big audition and put every last ounce of effort into an off key, tone deaf rendition of "Tomorrow." This girl, actually almost all the actors in this film, took themselves and their ridiculous "Creepshow" ripoff roles so damn seriously it was just painful.

The stories were just so cliche. There were ghost kids seeking revenge on the evil mother who drowned them, a battered wife seeking revenge on an abusive husband that backfires, and a matron saint corpse seeking vengeance and offering protection to those who worship her in what I can only describe as a Bacchanalia. All of these stories are strung together by a serial killer on death row who is trying to get her warden to publish her notebook of creepy tales. The problem is the stories are lame and more annoying than scary. The tales lasted far too long and the payoff was often middling if not altogether deeply disappointing.

Overall, this movie was pretty dreadful. I have my usual complaints, but as a short fiction writer, this one pissed me off royally. I have no patience for bad storytelling, and this was just miserable.

"Hellblock 13" -- Zach's Take

You don't know how badly I just wanted to write a one sentence review for this.

It's so inept, so stilted and lifeless, so hammy and pretentious. This is bad even for Troma standards. I don't even know where to begin in tearing this thing apart. It's not so bad it's good -- there's very little entertainment value here.

I suppose the best way to describe this film is if Uwe Boll saw Creepshow and decided he could make the same film on a budget of roughly twelve dollars. What I mean is this is an anthology horror movie where the seams show through in every frame. Cheap, claustrophobic sets. Cheesy make-up and production "design." And sub-community theater level acting. Let's just say there's a reason Gunnar Hansen never spoke a word when he played Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I think the biggest sign of incompetence in this film lies within the tone. Whereas Creepshow homaged the EC Comics upon which it was based by being deliberately hokey at parts, Hellblock 13 plays things pretty much straight. There are hints at intentional humor during a particularly boring segment that takes place in a trailer park, but for the most part, this film is actually trying to be scary. It is a spectacular failure.

The only positive thing I can say is that because this film is so poorly conceived, none of the stories presented have any point whatsoever. This means that the film dispatches with characters who we are supposed to be rooting for and connecting with. Which is kind of fun, because you aren't expecting those characters to die. Sadly, as I mentioned, the gore effects are terrible, so when those kills do come, they are supremely disappointing.

There really isn't much more to say than that. Even if this film were the only film left on Netflix Instant Watch that you hadn't seen, it would still not be worth it just to say you've seen them all. Go watch Creepshow, instead.

Coming Soon - "Hellblock 13"

So, yeah. Turns out this movie is so awesome that there are no trailers for it on the internet.

There's the cover for it.

It's a Troma release, so I think it's safe to expect some Powell and Pressburger-style filmmaking.

"The Manitou" - Zach's Take

This is our second reader request, having been recommended to us by DeWayn Marzagalli. He recommended it on the basis of two points: it was one of the worst films he'd ever seen and it features a talented cast that is completely misused.

He's right on both accounts.

It's preposterous, silly, and has no idea what it's trying to say. The film concerns a woman played by Susan Strasberg who develops a tumor on the back of her neck. Her doctors are concerned -- it doesn't feature the same characteristics of a normal tumor. Instead, it resembles something closer to a fetus. We later learn that is is actually a malevolent Indian medicine man, who is attempting to attain the status and power of the great Wichi Manitou (the Indian "God," according to the film). In order to do this, he has to go through the cycle of being reborn through people eight times. This is all explained to us through many scenes of laborious and glacial exposition, which culminates in a painfully boring "showdown" between a reluctant mercenary medicine man (not as badass as it sounds), Tony Curtis, and the aforementioned evil medicine man.

The film is notorious for it's final scenes of trippy, nonsensical visuals (think the "evolutionary" wormhole trip from 2001: A Space Odyssey meets the ending of The Neverending Story). Those minutes were certainly entertaining in a "Were these people serious?" kind of way. The rest of the movie, however, is entirely forgettable and completely inconsistent in tone. For example, the movie starts out rather serious and eerie, but then moves on to Tony Curtis' character (who wears a fake mustache for some reason) giving tarot card readings to elderly women. It's kind of jokey and stupid, I guess in an attempt to lighten up the tone. But it doesn't work. It just makes it feel like it's part of a different film. Also, we're lead to believe that Tony Curtis' character doesn't actually believe in spiritualistic nonsense, but later on he acts in a way that suggests that he does. Essentially, the writers change his character to fit the dramatic needs of the current scene, without any kind of logic or reason for the change.

Also, the movie is kind of racist. That reluctant medicine man I mentioned earlier? He keeps mentioning how inferior the Christian god is and how white man's science is no match for the evil that has taken over Susan Strasberg's neck. Except, in the end, white man's science is EXACTLY what kills the 400-year-old mystic thing. They "channel" all the "energy" from the spirits of the computers in the hospital to destroy the evil spirit (yeah, it's even more stupid than it sounds). And it was all the white guy's idea -- the medicine man never even considered that as a possibility. Yay, white people! Overall, the film is kind of a Native American-styled rip-off of The Exorcist. Same basic structure, just with a lot more overt racism.

The one thing I wholeheartedly enjoyed about this film is how it unsubtly hints at the possibility of a sequel. The good medicine man mentions that they only destroyed the body of the evil medicine man, but the spirit still remains. Duh-duh-duhhhhhh.

It's a shame they never got to make The Mani2. Or, Manitou Fast 2 Furious. Or my favorite, The Manitou Too: Man to Manitou.

"Manitou" -Maria's Take

Um, what?

In my very first blog post I asked what went on in the mind of Tommy Wiseau. I think the final fifteen minutes of this movie answered my question. I do feel like this movie was slightly less awful for me because I knew what to expect. The best way to see "Manitou" is purely; free of any prior knowledge. So, if that is what you intend to do stop reading here.

For the rest of you, this movie is really bizarre. It starts off mundane enough. A woman goes to the doctor with a fetus growing out of her back. (You know, that cliche story). Actually, that I can buy. That part is actually neat, make a movie about a woman carrying a baby on her back. But this movie gets weird, and kind of racist (and by "kind of" I mean "really, really racist"). Tony Curtis is her tarot-card reading ex-boyfriend who comes to her rescue after it has been decided she is actually carrying the reincarnation of an Indian medicine man (whose spirit is called a "manitou") who is fairly intent on killing her and everyone she comes into contact with. Again, I am still not against this movie yet, is it a weird ripoff of "The Exorcist?" Yes, but still, kind of interesting. Tony Curtis brings on another medicine man to counter the fetus one. Then they go into outer space. Yup, you read that right. That's when they lost me.

Did that synopsis confuse you? Don't worry, the movie makes absolutely no sense. Even the little mundane details don't make sense. Burgess Meredith plays this quack anthropologist who initially believes Tony Curtis to be completely nuts but almost instantaneously comes around without any reason. The only way to protect everyone from the "manitou" is to draw a circle around it with sand, but he figures out a way to break through. And lest we forget they fight in space? SPACE!

The ending really bugs me. In college we talked about how horror and sci-fi movies reflect what society is afraid of at the time. This movie is not only representing this weird sort of xenophobia, but also employing the greatness and cure-all of technology. The heroes use computers (who apparently have their own versions of a "Manitou") to override the fetus-Manitou-medicine man and win the soul of the girl back.

I apologize if it sounds like I am rambling, but this movie is so incoherent even trying to explain it becomes confusing. I cannot believe this movie was ever made. It is just a failure on all accounts. It switches tone between dead serious and tongue in cheek in nearly every scene. The acting is fine, but the storyline is so confusing and messy that characters' motives lose any sense of intent.

I feel like the producers had a big idea that just crumbled all around them, and they just gave up about ten minutes in. Burgess Meredith's role was irritating because his lines were completely contradictory and overacted. Tony Curtis was the only actor giving a decent performance, but I cannot begin to believe this is a film he would be proud of.

The music, color scheme, and overall feel of this movie was at odds with itself. It could not decide what it wanted to be, so it became a brown mess of 70s haircuts, polyester and subtle racism.

I was confused, irritated and boggled. I was relieved when it was over. I don't understand how this film got financed, or how it attracted a fairly prestigious group of actors. The setting in San Francisco was a needless expense that the filmmaker relied far too heavily on. Instead, he could have used that money to buy a script with a shred of coherent story structure.

Long story short, I did not understand this movie at all. I could try and analyze it as some reflection of the social conflict of new versus old, modern versus ancient, or some other academic bullshit, but it does not matter. The movie was just bad. It hurt to watch. It was an absolutely perfect recommendation for this blog. Thank you, Mr. Marzagalli.

Coming Soon - The Manitou

Uh...huh.

Burgess Meredith looks like Col. Sanders in this film. I can't wait.

"Child's Play 3" -- Zach's Take

I'll be straightforward and honest: I really enjoy Child's Play 3. In fact, I like all of the Chucky movies. Sure, they're incredibly silly and not scary in the slightest -- but they are so much fun.

See, Chucky is the kind of the character that Freddy Krueger morphed into. The wise-cracking serial killer who you don't take seriously. But Chucky's character is more consistent, as he was a smartass spewing one-liners since the first film.

To be clear: Child's Play 3 is not a good movie. But it is a good time (mostly). A big part of that is Brad Dourif's vocal performance. He's funny but also kind of sinister. You're totally rooting for Chucky the whole time, and that's not just because all the other characters behave like idiots. He's just kind of a cool dude, except, of course for all the voodoo and soul stealing and killing people stuff.

Actually, I think the only person here who is having more fun than Brad Dourif is Andrew Robinson, who plays a military barber obsessed with a perfect haircut. He just hams it up perfectly; never over-doing it and never under-playing it. Honestly, a whole movie could have been centered around his character -- he's just a bizarre delight to watch.

Also, the direction is actually kind of great. This was Lost veteran Jack Bender's first feature film, but he films what could have been very banal stuff in a stylish way, never really letting anything get boring (until the third act, but that's not entirely his fault). He relishes in the tight, claustrophobic framings that help bring out the oddity and weirdness that this movie exudes.

However, as I mentioned, only two-thirds of this film is actually fun. The last act of the film derails as the climax shifts away from the military school and into a lame carnival ride. Really, it doesn't make a whole lot sense (thematically or logically) to have it take place at a carnival, and feels very forced.

Also, the movie doesn't always go far enough. Chucky at one point switches out paint bullets in guns that are to be used in a war game with real live ammunition. The payoff isn't as great as it could be, as only one person actually dies from this when a whole platoon of soldiers fire at each other, but as a gag, it works well enough.

Overall, maybe this isn't the worst Child's Play movie. It's got enough teeth when it needs to, but considering this is the film that preceded Bride of Chucky, you can see the foundation of humor that was absent in the previous films. This is the first film on our site that I wholeheartedly recommend to the rare horror fan who hasn't already seen it. Just don't expect it to resolve itself all that well.

"Child's Play 3"- Maria's Take

Before I begin, I feel obligated to note that this was the last in a horror movie marathon Zach and I watched on Halloween. We screened many of our favorite films and ended on this. Had we not just watched "Psycho," "Halloween," "Behind the Mask," and "Hatchet," this film would've been really fun and incredibly watchable; however, after watching Leslie Vernon and Victor Crowley slash the (and I quote Leslie here) "poop" out of some teenagers, a Chucky movie just did not do a whole lot for me.

I have never really enjoyed the Chucky movies. I think it probably goes back to my intense fear of clowns (ironically from a movie having little to do with clowns, if you are lucky, I might feel compelled to tackle that film: one which scarred me for life). But, hell, we aren't here to psychoanalyze my fears.

Right, Chucky.

This movie was fine. I liked Jack Bender (yeah, that guy who directed several episodes of Lost directed this 3rd installment of a lesser franchise...paying his dues I guess) setting most of the movie in a military school. It felt natural and the characters were really interesting and many were actually pretty well developed. It did bother me, however, that the film moved rather dramatically to a carnival, that did NOT feel logical in the slightest.

The things I usually bitch about: entertainment value, plot, acting, were all actually pretty decent in this movie. I think my biggest problem was this film felt incredibly anticlimactic. In every classic horror flick there is this huge showdown between man and beast. There was a weak attempt at a showdown, but all it reminded me was this movie is about a killer toy. I understand the futility of arguing logic in a horror movie, but this really bugged me. HE IS A DOLL. I get that he has a brain, I get that he has weapons, I even get that he has a wit that would make the best action heroes blush; but, what really irks me is that he is a toy. Rip him apart! I call shenanigans.

Overall, comparatively, the movie was okay. Would I watch it again? Probably not. Also, 2 kids die in this movie. 2 KIDS die, and it is never really addressed after the fact. I give them kudos for having the balls to break the cardinal rule, but let's get some military school style comeuppance...again, really just anticlimactic...kind of like this blog post.

The end.