Coming Soon - "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2"

Awesome. This trailer is composed mostly of shots from the first film -- which is a MASTERWORK in trashy filmmaking. No joke. I hope this one lives up to the greatness of the first.

"The Box" - Maria's Take

As a fan of Jean-Paul Sartre, I was horrible offended by this film's constant "No Exit" references. It was as if director Richard Kelly read the play and decided he could tell a similar story better. And by "better," I mean with more aliens and a less coherent story structure.

"The Box," unlike many of the films we review, actually has an interesting starting point. Basically, random individuals are given a box with a button and a choice. They can either not press the button and walk away, or they can press the button, get a million dollars, but kill someone they have never met. There is apparently a Twilight Zone episode using the original Richard Matheson "Button, Button" storyline which I would like to watch for comparison. The basic plot is simple, but under Richard Kelly's sloppy direction and muddled storytelling, the film loses all sense of direction and coherence.

James Marsden is fine, a little hokey in his portrayal of a Mars-obsessed NASA employee, but not offensive. The same cannot be said for Cameron Diaz. Her over the top, yet still painfully wooden performance is so carelessly done that I laugh more than I sympathize at her plight. Her character is so contrived that in every scene she was outshone by another actor, extra or set piece. I have never much cared for Diaz, but now I find her unwatchable.

The true weakness in this film is the direction. Richard Kelly is a one note director. He creates weird, incoherent worlds that lack any semblance of character or story motivation. I know his fans might muse that I just don't get his vision, but I do see what he is trying to accomplish. He wants to beat Darren Aronofsky out for the title of "this generation's David Lynch." He makes movies that appeal to a very small, but very well-voiced section of the film going public. His works speak to a small group of people, and that's just dandy. However, these individuals, much like those who praise Holden Caulfield, criticize me for disliking their film idols. They claim I just couldn't possibly understand. Maybe they are right. I cannot possibly understand how a movie about martians could compare with Jean-Paul Sartre. I cannot possibly understand how the over-written, constantly emoting lines are suppose to make me feel anything other than anger that this film got made in the first place.

This movie is terrible plain and simple. If you are interested in a movie about martians, go watch a movie about martians. Not a stupid piece of cinematic sludge that utilize martians to reflect our own flaws as humans. The lack of subtlety in this movie just astounds me. It underestimates the intelligence of the audience and plays the role of the pretentious friend who always has some pointless factoid to throw into conversation to maintain their holier than thou delusions.

Ultimately, I did not appreciate our time together, Mr. Kelly. Not one bit.

"The Box"-- Zach's Take

I think The Box perfectly reveals Richard Kelly (and subsequently Donnie Darko) for what he (and it) really is: a shallow, pretentious, David Lynch wannabe.

He produces deliberately mysterious and nonsensical pieces of cinematic refuse for people who can't be bothered to actually search out real intriguing or thought-provoking films. Like M. Night Shyamalan, he has his devoted following of people who insist that his work is profound , or that "you just don't get it." No, no, I get it. It just sucks. It's cheap, easy, film school-esque attempts at artiness.

However, I don't want this to become a review of over-hyped filmmakers and their fanbase. The film at hand is The Box, an overwrought, self-indulgent mess. The dialog is horrible. The only real entertainment I got out of this film is from laughing hysterically at the exchanges between Cameron Diaz and James Marsden.

The central problem with the film is that things just happen to the characters. They take virtually no initiative themselves. Bizarre things occur for no reason, they say something stupid, and then the next scene comes. There's no real forward momentum to the plot, which is a huge problem with a film that is entirely plot-based. There's no character work done here, no growth, no change. The characters in the film are exactly the same at the beginning as they are at the end. This makes the whole thing feel stagnant, and makes the disappointment of the "mystery" all the more painful. You've been sitting through this thing for two hours, waiting for the payoff of all the silly and preposterous stuff you've seen on screen, with nothing else to care about other than the answers to the questions that the film poses. Which, when they are answered, tell you nothing more than what you most likely already presumed.

Just about the only positive thing I can say about this film is that effect for Frank Langella's facial disfigurement is pretty cool and convincing. Unfortunately, that same effect is done much better for Two-Face in The Dark Knight.

I'd really like to see Richard Kelly make a good film. Now, I know Donnie Darko has its fans, but be honest, when was the last time you sat down to re-watch that film? It's a one-off piece of mild entertainment. Once you see it, do you really feel compelled to revisit it? That certainly is the case with The Box. Lock this thing up, throw away the key, and send it off to Mars from whence it came.

Coming Soon - "The Box"

Luckily, if this gets too awful, I have a button that I can push that will make all the people on the TV go away.

"Mister Wrong" - Maria's Take

At least the title applies. Everything about this movie is just oh so wrong. And yes, before I really deconstruct the magnificent stink of this movie, let's get the pink elephant in the room out there. Yes, this movie stars Ellen DeGeneres as a romantic female lead opposite Bill Pullman. The irony is astounding. Now, moving on...

The casting director should rethink their day job. Not only was the chemistry between Ellen and Bill Pullman just awful, the chemistry between every character was just nonexistent. The only person cast appropriately was the horse leading Ellen into the sunset at the end.

I could spend some time pointing out every stupid cliche that this movie wasted my time with; but, I feel like it would be a better service to humanity to focus on my biggest problem with this movie as a whole. It did not make any damn sense. I don't mean that characters made choices without motive (which they did). This movie lacked any semblance of a cohesive story. This movie would make David Lynch frustrated and confused. "Mullholland Drive" looks like a freaking model of solid, cohesive story structure compared to this piece of shit. (David Lynch confuses me in case that wasn't coming across).

All the confusion really falls upon Bill Pullman's character "Whitman." He is this rich dude who seduces Ellen at a bar. He seems all charming and perfect until she tells him he should feel comfortable enough to be himself. He then starts stalking her, stealing things, and forcing himself into her life. The movie gets weird and creepy about a half hour in, and suddenly the light, rom-com mood shifts pretty drastically into a dark comedy. Well, I use the term "comedy" loosely.

This movie seemed to give up on itself about halfway through. Joan Cusack plays this bizarre ex-girlfriend who really is just a deus ex machina from the writers. This points offers me a nice segue into another concern with this stupid movie. As a former film student, I could hear the screenwriter in every single line. Now, this might seem like a stupid statement, but good lines make people forget they are watching a movie. Good lines are immersive. Not a single line in "Mister Wrong" had depth. Every attempt was so dripping with self-love by the writer that the whole film felt like a bad senior thesis.

I handpicked next week's disaster myself. I watched it before having seen this Ellen DeGeneres jewel. I made the presumptuous declaration that "The Box" was the worst movie I had ever seen. Enter "Mister Wrong."

But don't fret, "The Box" still sucks something terrible. It actually kept me awake one night with its putrescent funk. So, look forward to that!

"Mr. Wrong" - Zach's Take

What in the hell is going on with this movie?

It starts out rather predictably and formulaic: Ellen DeGeneres' voice over recounts the story of how she met Whitman (Bill Pullman) and ended up in a wedding dress whilst being detained in a Mexican prison (we've all been there). The thing is, the film goes for jokes that are inconsistent with the universe it has set up for us. You see, the film begins as a typical romantic-comedy crapfest, where all the "humor" comes from women complaining about how men suck and what have you. You know, the 90's-style stand-up comic junk.

Except, the thing is, with Mr. Wrong, the cutesy, hacky observational one-liners make Jerry Seinfeld look like Bill Hicks. You can hear the screenwriters smugly smiling themselves as each cringe-inducing line is delivered.

But then, suddenly, the humor shifts towards "wacky" and completely improbable gags and characters that are only "characters" in the most basic sense of the word. Just completely cartoonish and stupid. I'm looking at you, Joan Cusack, and you too, guy who played Bram on Lost.

Aside from the humor of the film, the structure is so twisted and contorted in an attempt to play "gotcha" on the audience that it never makes any sense. When the film introduces Whitman, he is suave, sophisticated, and soft-spoken. Then for no reason whatsoever, he finally decides to be "himself," which is when he starts getting zany and bombastic. Look, I get it. Sort of. I understand that it was a misdirection on behalf of the screenwriters, but it is a hacky, cheap attempt. Plus, we never learn anything about Whitman's character that explains his actions. Why does he feel compelled to pretend to act a certain way when meeting Ellen's character? Why did he leave Joan Cusack's character when she is so clearly perfect for him? Why in Flying Spaghetti Monster's good name is he attracted to Ellen DeGeneres? We're talking about a wealthy, attractive man who lives in San Diego, and he goes for Ellen?!

There's a million things wrong with this movie, and not a single thing right. First mistake: casting Ellen DeGeneres as a leading lady. Look, she was fine on TV or whatever. But who thought she could carry an entire film? She's not an actress, she's a comedian. She can't play anybody but herself.

What I suppose I'm getting at here is that Mr. Wrong isn't just a good example of the mediocrity of 90's mainstream cinema. It's also perfectly illustrative of the 90's as a whole. Idiotic, worthless, and better off to be forgotten by everyone involved.