To start things off, Maria and I decided to check out what is actually only arguably the worst of the Halloween franchise. I say "arguably" because this one actually isn't all that bad, but also, because we're not counting the truly reprehensible Rob Zombie remakes. They're so terrible, they don't even count. And yes, I'm aware of how awful the latter Halloween films are, but at least they have Michael Meyers in them. Even if they do mistakenly attempt to shed light on his "origins." Shudder.
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch has a bad reputation amongst horror fans, mainly due to the fact that it doesn't feature Michael Meyers. The producers opted (unsuccessfully) to steer the Halloween franchise into something resembling an anthology, where each new entry would tell a different story and be completely separate from the previous films. A noble goal, to be sure. But definitely not executed all that well.
You see, Halloween 3 isn't terrible. I mean, it has a preposterous plot, a script that moves at a snail's pace, and a severe lack of suspense and scares. But there's no Michael Meyers, dammit!
The story concerns an alcoholic doctor (played mantastically by the manly Tom Atkins) who discovers a conspiracy revolving around a successful Halloween mask company (Silver Shamrock) with the intent to turn kids' faces into snakes and locusts. It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense, even when it is painfully spelled out for us by the main baddie Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy). See, he's a CEO who practices wicthcraft, and by stealing a rock from Stonehenge and channeling its power with silicon chips that fire lasers he's going to get rid of Halloween forever.
Uh huh.
Really, the plot is stupid, but the movie does boast some awesome make-up effects and an excellent score by John Carpenter. Those computer chips that fire lasers I mentioned above? Yeah, some obnoxious woman gets her face blown apart by one and snakes and bugs crawl out of the entry wound. It's pretty cool. There's also a beheading that a robot dude does with his bare hands.
The problem is that there just isn't enough of the cool stuff to balance out the slow pacing. In a movie that so unabashedly revels in its own preposterous tendencies, you'd think the producers would have seen fit to thrown in some more stuff for the gorehounds.
The one thing that I will always take away from Halloween 3 (besides Tom Atkins' bare butt, ohhh yeah!) is the annoyingly addictive Silver Shamrock theme song. It's simple, but I'll be damned if it isn't catchy.
Eight more days till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!
Eight more days till Halloween, Sil-ver Shamrock!
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