Santa's Slay-Maria's Take

This movie was a heaping, steaming pile of film excrement; it reeked so intensely of its own self-referential irony and misplaced self-love that it made the other movies we have reviewed look like the utmost pinnacles of movie-making.

And yet, it was still the best thing Brett Ratner's ever stamped with his seal of approval.

This movie disappointed me to say the least. I was so excited with the prospect of a truly awful Christmas slasher flick--it had everything I look for in a film: the holidays, cheesy catchphrases, horribly miscast celebrities, and gore out the wazoo. Yet, it was one of the worst things I have ever sat through, and I saw "The New Guy"--twice.

When I discussed Tommy Wiseau's cinematic failure, "The Room," I explained my views on what makes a truly magnificent bad movie; there has to be honest to goodness sincerity and true devotion to the work. This piece of crap had neither. It masqueraded as a parody film, but instead felt like it was cruelly mocking a genre I hold very dear. When I watch a slasher film, I want a monster, someone sociopathic with a melodramatic backstory that can somehow garner a response from the audience. I want young actors before their prime paying their dues, their bloody, hilarious dues. I don't want winks and nods to the audience.

This film just can't find its footing. "Santa's Slay" fails on so many levels. It meshes melodramatic murder scenes with wacky Disney-esque characters. It makes stupid jokes that are somehow supposed to entertain, but instead pissed me off. This movie pandered to an audience I hope does not exist.

It also brought Dickens into the whole mess, and that's when shit got personal.

I wouldn't be so harsh if this movie wasn't trying so hard to be bad. It was on course with that awful "Meet the Spartans" level of movie-making. Zach and I cherish those which try to succeed and fail so miserably. We are here to mock, not to condone. We don't take kindly to those who try to be bad, we cherish those who try and fail; that's the American way.