"Hellblock 13" -Maria's Take

I was trying to think of a classy movie with a number in the title. The best I could come up with was "The Godfather Part II" and that was with Roman numerals. Suffice to say, "Hellblock 13" is the least classy movie with a number in the title.

To say this movie was bad would be like saying "Citizen Kane" is boring. Is it true? Yes. But it also negates the overall genius and point of the work. Of course "Hellblock 13" is terrible, cheesy, and often offensive, but it is so much more than a generic bad horror flick. This movie reuses tired storylines, hired the absolute bottom of the barrel actors, and the set pieces and props were just embarrassing. I actually felt embarrassed for this movie.

Lindsey Lohan would have made this movie better. Go ahead, re-read that sentence. I know this movie was made when Lindsey was still a little kid, but I kept thinking that this was a movie with her name all over it. The lead actress they hired was just so terrible. She was like that girl at your high school who never did a day of theater in her life but believed she had star quality and would make it someday. This girl did have a ton of heart in her performance, she tried so damn hard, but she was just so awful it hurt. She reminded me of a precocious kid that had one big audition and put every last ounce of effort into an off key, tone deaf rendition of "Tomorrow." This girl, actually almost all the actors in this film, took themselves and their ridiculous "Creepshow" ripoff roles so damn seriously it was just painful.

The stories were just so cliche. There were ghost kids seeking revenge on the evil mother who drowned them, a battered wife seeking revenge on an abusive husband that backfires, and a matron saint corpse seeking vengeance and offering protection to those who worship her in what I can only describe as a Bacchanalia. All of these stories are strung together by a serial killer on death row who is trying to get her warden to publish her notebook of creepy tales. The problem is the stories are lame and more annoying than scary. The tales lasted far too long and the payoff was often middling if not altogether deeply disappointing.

Overall, this movie was pretty dreadful. I have my usual complaints, but as a short fiction writer, this one pissed me off royally. I have no patience for bad storytelling, and this was just miserable.

"Hellblock 13" -- Zach's Take

You don't know how badly I just wanted to write a one sentence review for this.

It's so inept, so stilted and lifeless, so hammy and pretentious. This is bad even for Troma standards. I don't even know where to begin in tearing this thing apart. It's not so bad it's good -- there's very little entertainment value here.

I suppose the best way to describe this film is if Uwe Boll saw Creepshow and decided he could make the same film on a budget of roughly twelve dollars. What I mean is this is an anthology horror movie where the seams show through in every frame. Cheap, claustrophobic sets. Cheesy make-up and production "design." And sub-community theater level acting. Let's just say there's a reason Gunnar Hansen never spoke a word when he played Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I think the biggest sign of incompetence in this film lies within the tone. Whereas Creepshow homaged the EC Comics upon which it was based by being deliberately hokey at parts, Hellblock 13 plays things pretty much straight. There are hints at intentional humor during a particularly boring segment that takes place in a trailer park, but for the most part, this film is actually trying to be scary. It is a spectacular failure.

The only positive thing I can say is that because this film is so poorly conceived, none of the stories presented have any point whatsoever. This means that the film dispatches with characters who we are supposed to be rooting for and connecting with. Which is kind of fun, because you aren't expecting those characters to die. Sadly, as I mentioned, the gore effects are terrible, so when those kills do come, they are supremely disappointing.

There really isn't much more to say than that. Even if this film were the only film left on Netflix Instant Watch that you hadn't seen, it would still not be worth it just to say you've seen them all. Go watch Creepshow, instead.