"Hellblock 13" -Maria's Take

I was trying to think of a classy movie with a number in the title. The best I could come up with was "The Godfather Part II" and that was with Roman numerals. Suffice to say, "Hellblock 13" is the least classy movie with a number in the title.

To say this movie was bad would be like saying "Citizen Kane" is boring. Is it true? Yes. But it also negates the overall genius and point of the work. Of course "Hellblock 13" is terrible, cheesy, and often offensive, but it is so much more than a generic bad horror flick. This movie reuses tired storylines, hired the absolute bottom of the barrel actors, and the set pieces and props were just embarrassing. I actually felt embarrassed for this movie.

Lindsey Lohan would have made this movie better. Go ahead, re-read that sentence. I know this movie was made when Lindsey was still a little kid, but I kept thinking that this was a movie with her name all over it. The lead actress they hired was just so terrible. She was like that girl at your high school who never did a day of theater in her life but believed she had star quality and would make it someday. This girl did have a ton of heart in her performance, she tried so damn hard, but she was just so awful it hurt. She reminded me of a precocious kid that had one big audition and put every last ounce of effort into an off key, tone deaf rendition of "Tomorrow." This girl, actually almost all the actors in this film, took themselves and their ridiculous "Creepshow" ripoff roles so damn seriously it was just painful.

The stories were just so cliche. There were ghost kids seeking revenge on the evil mother who drowned them, a battered wife seeking revenge on an abusive husband that backfires, and a matron saint corpse seeking vengeance and offering protection to those who worship her in what I can only describe as a Bacchanalia. All of these stories are strung together by a serial killer on death row who is trying to get her warden to publish her notebook of creepy tales. The problem is the stories are lame and more annoying than scary. The tales lasted far too long and the payoff was often middling if not altogether deeply disappointing.

Overall, this movie was pretty dreadful. I have my usual complaints, but as a short fiction writer, this one pissed me off royally. I have no patience for bad storytelling, and this was just miserable.