Coming Soon - "Cutthroat Island"!

Geena Davis and Matthew Modine! This movie must've made a killing!

Oh, right.

Geena Davis now does quickly cancelled TV shows, and Matthew Modine was in "Funky Monkey."

"Miss Conception" - Zach's Take

Miss Conception makes a great case for forced sterilization.

There's your poster quote, right there.

Seriously, I know I'm not the target demographic for this type of film, but I can at least recognize when they are well-made (such as Love Actually) or at least funny (again, Love Actually) but this is just a mess. The comedic timing is always off, jokes that might have worked in more capable hands fall completely and utterly flat. The characters are the worst kind of people; selfish, vapid, irresponsible, simply impossible to care about. I sat there, watching this junk, wondering why the filmmakers thought that I should care that this terrible human being wants to reproduce. The first thing we see Heather Graham's character do is push her boyfriend out of bed because she doesn't want to get up to answer the phone. Which is a perfect illustration of her character I suppose, but that doesn't make me want to follow her around for an hour and a half.

What's more, she's also terribly shallow. Her sole ambition in life is to have a child. Putting aside society's tendency to romanticize having children, should that be anyone's singular pursuit? Especially when the only reason for having the child is simply because time is almost up, not because of a strong desire to start a family.

Now, I may be over-analyzing this movie (I am) but I really want to stress just how stupid it really is. Heather Graham's character orders semen over the internet and almost impregnates herself with it. She doesn't even go to a sperm bank. Instead, she gets the stuff delivered right to her door. How does she know that its coming from a reputable source and not just some dude in his basement? The only reason why she doesn't go through with it is because her mother surprises her with a birthday cake and she shoots it out of the syringe in shock. Should we really be rooting for a person who is so desperate to get pregnant that she will get sperm online?

Aside from the awful script, the director clearly had no idea what kind of movie he wanted to make. One moment it feels like its attempting to be a drama, the next, a romantic comedy. But it never quite feels right because its shot like an episode of CSI. Super-saturated, blown-out. It really is a truly ugly film. Both in terms of the cinematography and the message conveyed.

I've already spent too much energy on this stupid, stupid film . Let's just leave it at the fact that this production recursively demonstrates why some people should never reproduce: the kid might grow up and make a movie like Miss Conception.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments below or send us an email at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com

"Miss Conception" - Maria's Take

Okay, when the one passable character's single redeeming quality is that he doesn't sleep with his secretary, there's trouble.

In this bland, generic romantic comedy, Heather Graham plays Georgie, a woman who, after her boyfriend's sister has a baby, inexplicably feels her own biological clock ticking and goes on a pathetically desperate plight to procreate. Her documentary filmmaker boyfriend, Zak (ugh), does not share her sudden onset obsession with babies, and the two part ways.

Georgie becomes increasingly more desperate to have a baby after some French fertility guy (I don't think he was a doctor) tells her she has only one egg left in her ovaries. Georgie drags her two token sidekicks--a partygirl (Clem) and a gay costume designer (Justin), along for the ride.

Then this movie gets stupid.

Georgie tries everything from seducing her coworkers to harshly demanding Justin to provide his seed. Ultimately, Zak comes back from Ireland and the two reconcile and Georgie miraculously gets pregnant.

This movie personifies the double standard. Georgie and Clem objectify every man they see as little more than a potential sperm donor. They are even inexplicably cruel to Justin, when, under the insane pressure thrust upon his by his female cohorts, he does not provide Georgie with a sample. If this movie were reversed, feminist groups would be up in arms about the objectification of women. I think all objectification is wrong, male or female, but hey, what do I know?

The aesthetics of this movie are atrocious. The lighting is terrible; Heather Graham is often washed out. The cinematography is dreadful; the angles are weird and many of the shots try too hard to convey some sort of art school look, but it clashes with the tone of the film.

With Heather Graham carrying this film, the acting is obviously bad. However, the character of Zak is played well enough. It feels like a role that had Colin Firth as an inspiration, but a budget of zero. Overall this film played like a poor man's "Bridget Jones," which, let's just face it, is a poor man's "Pride and Prejudice."

This movie was painful to say the least, it never found its footing, and I was bored through most of it.

Next week, Zach and I begin a month of film flops! From "Cutthroat Island" to "Ishtar," we will document Hollywood's most famous foibles.

Coming Soon: "Miss Conception"

Our first film that features an (arguably) actual Hollywood star! Yes, Heather Graham demonstrates her incredible range and depth by putting on a British accent for no good reason!

"Let God Be the Judge" - Maria's take

One time, in high school, I was timing a competitive theater production. Some poor kid forgot his line and proceeded to stand in silence, fists clenched, for no less than 15 minutes (remember, I had a stopwatch in front of me). I thought that was the worst theatrical calamity I would ever witness.

How wrong I was.

"Let God be the Judge" is nothing more than a filmed stage production; the director even showed us the audience prior to and just following the movie. As a former stage actor this really bugged me. Theater is not meant to be filmed, and all this piece of visual garbage did was prove why. I never felt any connection to the characters, the actors' performances were over-the-top and obnoxious at times, and the angles were poorly filmed because the choreographed blocking corresponded to the work as a stage picture, not as a movie scene. I think the most blatant theatrical blasphemy (see what I did there) occurred when, as the cinematographer--and I use that term very, very loosely--zoomed in for a closeup, the actors' scripts were obviously on display. The guy playing the judge (who was credited as "Gabriel," though that would contradict the title of this piece of cinematic trash) was actually following along with his finger. I tried to give this film's technical issues a little slack, but the more I watched, the angrier I became. I couldn't understand why the director felt compelled to turn this into a publicly released DVD. If he wanted to get his message across to a wider audience, I think it would be more beneficial to take the show on tour. Or, if his heart was really set on making this a movie, he should have done away with the "audience" element and hired a more seasoned cinematographer.

Technical problems aside, this movie offended every moral and virtuous bone in my body. Not only does the film's overstated message--judge not lest ye be judged--contradict itself time after time, the film preaches against homosexuality; it subtly hints that statutory rape is a more forgivable offense in Jesus' eyes. I try to refrain from obscenities on this blog, but I really have to call bullshit on this whole insane moral standing. I am not about to get on my soapbox, but I just have a major problem with this in my own moral opinion. Ladies and gentlemen, can we just move into the 21st century?

The film tries to add a lightheartedness that muddles the tone. A Tyler Perry reminiscent character makes a mockery of this already stupid story. The lead character steals a car, gets convicted of statutory rape, etc. and remains widely considered to be a good person. Nothing about this film seems particularly "Christian."

I think the thing that really bugged me about this film was just the "holier than thou" attitude conveyed throughout the majority of the story. The writing hits the viewer over the head with this idea that we are all too judgmental. Okay, fine. However, instead of holding up Christian teachings and values, a guy who did some pretty low things gets pretty easily forgiven. Where is the justice? What good is setting this work in a courtroom if there is ultimately very little justice?

Overall, this film as a movie is fine--it would work better as a play, but the acting was overall slightly above mediocre, and the sets were pretty nice for what I imagine was a small budget. However, much like "C Me Dance" this film gave me some insight. Christian exploitation films are fine, most are harmless. However, this film was offensive. It preached hate toward other communities of people, which I don't think is ever okay. I am all for freedom of speech, but I feel like the right is abused when people try and encourage hate. I think it lessens whatever message one is trying to get across. Hatred turns people off, and eventually, no one wants to listen any more.

"Let God be the Judge" -- Zach's Take

Let's just get this clear before I actually begin: Let God be the Judge is not a film.

It is merely a recording of a stage play.

This becomes obvious when the Arsenio Hall-esque audience cheers and applauds at every over-the-top monologue and laughs at each hacky bit of "comedy" in this mess. This is one of the most wildly inconsistent films I've ever seen. The first two-thirds of the recording (I'm not going to call this a movie) are played straight-faced and overly-serious. Then, a Tyler Perry rip-off character strolls onto the stage and everything becomes a joke. The worst part is this "character" would have seemed lame and tired even in the hey-days of the Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence Nutty Professor and Big Momma's House style of films. It just demonstrates perfectly how little the makers of this production knew what they were doing.

For those of you who don't get it from the title of the film, Let God be the Judge tells the story of an unbelieving man who gets killed and whose soul gets put on trial at the gates of Heaven. The premise is so hackneyed and utterly stupid that the producers took it literally, setting the whole thing in a courtroom. Which is only made worse when you consider that since this was shot live as the play was performed, there are exactly two camera angles for the majority of the proceedings: the left side of the stage and the right side of the stage. That also means other than the occasional panning to correct the framing, there are no camera movements of any sort. Which, you know, makes for really exciting cinema.

The acting isn't that bad actually, for what the players had to work with, but that's not exactly high praise. The funniest parts come from the actor playing Gabriel (the judge) who is very visibly reading the script the entire time andmakes no attempt to act other than when he has to say one of his lines. At least the other actors shuffled papers, took a sip of water, etc. Not him, though. He sits through the whole thing with his head down, reading straight from the pages. It's funny, but that coupled with the fact that the actor who plays Satan, the prosecutor, actually says "exstablish" multiple times makes it hilarious. That means that he clearly doesn't know the word "establish." If you don't believe me, check out that trailer from our post last week.

Aside from the abysmally stupid theology on display, the film also promotes offensively stupid socially conservative "values." A big deal is made about the main character potentially being gay. The audience is lead to believe that he might be homosexual and tonally, the play assumes that everyone in the audience naturally thinks this is morally reprehensible. Look, I get it. The people who would watch this junk without a hint of irony are most likely the kind of mongoloids who think that there is something wrong with being gay. But in 2010, when a film (especially a film made predominantly by and for a minority group) endorses such Bronze Age thinking, it becomes incredibly disheartening and makes you lose your faith in humanity a little bit.

So, yes, what I'm saying is that Let God be the Judge made me lose my faith in humanity. That's a CFP first, for me at least. Also a CFP first: this production is so bad it actually contains three, yes, three accounts of actual facepalming on behalf of the actors during the course of the play!

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments section below or email us with suggestions at cinematicfacepalm@gmail.com

Coming Soon: "Let God Be the Judge"

Look at those production values! Those high school students should be awfully proud of what they've achieved.

What will our verdict be? Grab a seat on the jury and find out next week! Case dismissed.

P.S. Why did they use the Godfather font for the main title? That's the real crime.

"The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon" - Zach's Take

Two words:Insufferably boring.

The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon is a new contender for the worst movie we've endured here at CFP. It's a plodding, confusing, humorless mess of a movie. There's no enjoyment to be derived from it. In fact, there's exactly two interesting things that happen in this film, and both last less than five seconds put together. One, a man's head is sliced in half by an Aztec booby-trap (which sounds way more awesome than it actually is) and two, an Aztec High Priest rips some guys heart out. But, you guessed it, Temple of Doom did it way better. So really, there's one interesting thing going on in this movie.

The real problem with the film is the script. The pacing is sub-glacial. The characters are completely and utterly undefined and stock. There's no witty banter, no clever exchanges, no attempt at characterization at all. The movie's script feels like the product of a machine that was fed dozens and dozens of crappy Sci-Fi channel movies and programmed to write its own. The plotting is contrived and the tone is all over the place. Moments when you would expect a lighthearted touch or a joke or two are played deadly serious. Other moments which you would expect to be suspenseful and tense are played for laughs (which of course means that those moments don't produce laughs at all). The premise of the film is dumb to be sure, but in better hands I'm certain a more entertaining film could have been made.

Lastly, the absolute worst thing about this movie is Shannon Doherty. I can't tell what's more uneven, her acting or her eyes. ZING!!! But seriously, while some of the other actors try and inject some life and over-the-top charm into their roles, Doherty just plays it completely bored and flat. That's partly the reason why the tone feels weird, because she's just a in totally different scene than everybody else, every scene.

Really, just do yourself a favor and skip this awful, terrible film. The only surprise to be found from it is that it is not a Sci-Fi Channel movie. This putrescent cinematic abortion was produced by Starz! and is all the reason anyone should need to cancel that channel from their cable service.

As always, post your thoughts in the comments below or email us at cinematicfacepalm@blogspot.com

"The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon" - Maria's Take

Okay, so you know that feeling when you are mindlessly staring at the same paragraph for what feels like hours, only to take absolutely nothing away from the reading?

Yeah, this movie kind of feels like that.

I'm still not entirely sure what this movie was about. There was some dragon/moth/knight Aztec god guy that kept our heroes running around the famous Grand Canyon caves, but other than that, the whole movie is pretty fuzzy. I think my favorite part occurred near the end: after one character supposedly sacrifices himself, and all of his scenes are replayed.

No, I'm not kidding.

The acting actually wasn't as bad as many of the other films Zach and I have screened. Michael Shanks' character, Jacob Thain, reminded me of a watered-down Niles Crane. He was a fun, Aztec-factoid spewing, nerdy professor who was conveniently placed to provide both the audience and the crew of museum folk (I am guessing here, I know Shannon Doherty was on a rescue mission, but I'm not sure if the others where archeologists or scientists or what) with useful knowledge about the Aztec civilization.

The writing, however, was painful. Every single line was a cliche. The garbage that spewed forth from Ms. Doherty's ever-pouting piehole was nothing more than contrived, unoriginal putrescence. The plot and time-line were muddled, though granted, I paid very little attention to most of this movie. I can't explain what was wrong with this film, boring just isn't the right word.

Remember when you were a kid and you and your ragtag group of miscreant friends decided to act out your own version of "Indiana Jones." And remember how you had that one friend, the guy who you really didn't like but hung out with you anyway? Do you recollect how he used to change the rules of the "Indiana Jones" game so much that it lost any sense of what you set out to originally play? Now pretend some hotshot Hollywood producer gave said friend a couple million dollars to build a set and throw some extras into the background...

Welcome to "The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon."