"Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation" - Maria's Take

Oh God! Leatherface is particularly terrifying and disgusting in this movie! That face! Those dead eyes! That blank expression! Ugh, it's just terrible!

Oh wait, that's Renee Zellweger.

The worst thing about this movie is that Matthew McConaughey is the best part. I'm not sure where the thought process was behind any moment of this film. I have never been so frustrated and confused at a movie in my life. Not only does it fall back on every standard cliche married to the horror genre, but it also relies on shock rather than tension for appeal.

I mentioned about halfway through the movie that it felt as if a twelve year old boy had seen one horror movie and decided to make his own. There are some ideas that could potentially be interesting. Vilmer's girlfriend is a great basis for an original character, but the writing and plotting is so painfully incoherent that her character becomes flat and convenient.

The ending was so sloppy and unclear I turned to the internet in order to try and get some semblance of an explanation. There are theories out there declaring this film to be a deconstruction of the horror genre, or art house answers to the commercial franchises; however, I think everyone just needs to make peace with the fact that this movie was just awful. Had this been something deeper than it was, it hid the real story a little too well. I can understand some of the theories, and a part of me would like to jump on board. Unfortunately, if this movie were trying to be clever it just (forgive the pun) masked itself behind too much incomprehensible bullshit to have any redeeming value.

It isn't that I didn't "get" the movie. I think there are several readings one might potentially find, but I didn't want to "get" it. I absolutely hate movies that try to be more than they are. One cannot slap a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" logo on a film and then not provide gore, grime and thrills. This movie had very little gore, the grime was cheap and ineffective and the thrills were overshadowed by the countless times I was left feeling irritated.

This film is a monumental failure. Whether it was actually trying to be a fun, chainsaw-killing slasher movie, or an artsy schmartsy, self-deprecating genre critique, it failed. "Scream" deconstructed the horror genre and was still fun, watchable, and not too far up its own ass.

And, in the same vein of "Scream," there are certain rules one must consider when trying to make an American horror film:

1. You can't be smug. You will instantly alienate yourself from an audience, and will end up alone in your own "brilliance." People go to see horror films, especially franchise films, for guts and cheap jump-scares. You don't expect Saw 18 (or whatever one we are on) to be some sort of existential artwork. You expect Achilles Tendon-slices, and needle machines.

2. You have to know your audience. Unless you have been living under a rock, you must have heard about a new movie called "Human Centipede." A crazy doctor decides to sew 3 people together with one digestive system...just take a minute...got the mental image? Yeah, you're welcome. Why does this movie exist? Because people are gross. They like gross things. Why are they making Saw movies every October? Because people like torture porn. Why do they make more Twilight movies? Because people are disgusting.

3. Know the franchise. This has been the problem with all this month's movies. Each and every movie the producers keep trying to mix up or "re-imagine" (shudder) these old horror stand-bys. You go to a "Halloween" movie expecting Michael Myers. What no Michael Myers? Fail. You go to a "Nightmare on Elm Street Movie" to watch Freddy kill oversexed teenagers. Kill off Freddy? Fail. You go to see "Friday the 13th" to see Jason Vorhees take some counslers out with his machete. Jason's gone? FAIL! Get what I'm saying?

This movie was bad. It was painful. I dislike the way it made me think highly of Matthew McConaughey. The Leatherface movies will always be weird. I mean, he likes to wear other peoples' faces as masks. However, where the second one, (with the incomparable Bill Moseley) is really weird but tongue-in-cheek, this one was painful and frustrating.