Tuesday, January 31, 2012

"Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" - Zach's Take

Well, if anyone ever needed proof that kids are stupid, here it is.

I'm kidding, of course, but this movie was really bad. However, I can't really raise much ire over it. Thinking about the film makes me sad rather than angry. Depressed rather than giddy. It's a bit of punctuation on the downfall of director Bob Clark's career. Sure, he's made some bad movies. But he's also made some great ones, like A Christmas Story or Black Christmas. The fact that his career was reduced to this (preceded by Karate Dog) is just disheartening.

This sad wreck of a film concerns the "story" of four babies (whose names I can't remember) helping Kahuna, a man in a baby's body, prevent the evil Biscane (played by Jon Voight) from using his mind control to take over the world. Yep. Stupid and predictable.

Anyways, the main baby is the only one who believes in the existence of Kahuna. See, Kahuna is a kind of urban legend among babies, a hero who rescues kids from orphanages around the world. What he's doing in a cushy daycare run by upper-middle class yuppies is never explained. Kahuna is a child, he's supposed to be five or six years-old, but it doesn't make any goddamn sense at all, because when he was a toddler, he accidentally drank some bullshit potion his scientist father created that prevented him from growing up. Except, he clearly ages somewhat between when he is first exposed to the liquid and when we see him (both in flashback and present day).

There's so much stupid it hurts. I'm not sure how I expect to explain when the movie itself can't even convincingly do it.

Ignoring all the dumb plot elements, the movie is basically an excuse to set up these terribly-staged fight scenes between Kahuna and Jon Voight's minions. In between those boring scenes we have the sassy black baby saying crap like, "You go girl" and "What kinda milk you drinkin'? It's awful. Not a single joke lands, because they're all hackneyed turds found in slightly better children's films of the early 90's.

Aside from that, there's some trite message about "finding your inner self" and the four stupid kids get their stupid super powers in a stupid climax that feels both too long and too short to be satisfying at the same stupid time. It's also devoid of any of the titular "superbabies" for the most part. Seriously, the main kid becomes Brain Baby (see, I told you it was stupid) but does absolutely nothing during the final battle. He's on screen for maybe 20 seconds. Also, doesn't the fact that the movie is subtitled "Baby Geniuses" render his superpower redundant? If they're all geniuses (which they're not, in any conceivable fashion) then how exactly is any smarter than the other three dummies?

Also, it feels like practically every line in this movie was ADRd. What is this, an Italian film from the 60s? Okay, I get that not all of the cast members can speak in complete sentences yet (I'm looking at you, Scott Baio), but why does it seem like everyone was dubbed-over?

Luckily, this was number 1 on IMDB's bottom 100 when we first decided to go through the list, (it has since been de-throned by this) so it can only get better from here, right?


Monday, January 30, 2012

Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies

And we're back.

Zach and I have decided to become the AFI of cinematic crap. We are using the IMDB bottom 100 as a general list, and after viewing all of them, we will create our own list of the "100 Worst Movies Ever Made."

This week, Baby Geniuses 2 topped the IMDB list. I had only ever heard about this film as a reference point. "Well it's bad, but it's no Baby Geniuses 2." And while I have seen a lot of terrible movies, nothing I've seen can really compete with Baby Geniuses 2. It isn't the worst film I have ever seen. I wasn't frustrated or annoyed as I watched it. I understand this film is for very small children and I'm sure it is appealing to them.

However, I believe this movie is everything that is wrong with movies made for children.

First, the movie gives children no intellectual credit whatsoever, yet it asks too much. The movie sets itself in Berlin in the sixties. There are references to the Berlin Wall and Nazis. Kids are not going to follow this storyline at all, and will more likely than not be bored out of their minds (I know I was). These scenes are juxtaposed next to men being kicked in the groin and cliche lines and racial stereotypes reused over and over again. I grew up with quality age-appropriate movies that were clever and fun without pandering to me or going over my head.

Second, Jon Voight?! What are you doing in this movie? I understand Scott Baio, but Jon Voight? I know you were in Midnight Cowboy, but don't feel pressured to sell yourself for the sake of a paycheck. You can do better!

Also, if these babies understand English, can type in English, and are aware of English...why then, baby geniuses, would you neglect to speak English? Now granted, I never saw the first of the franchise, but I don't really think there is a good explanation for this language barrier.

Overall, this move was really bad. I get that a 24 year old is not the target audience, but I would've despised this movie at 4--though to be fair, I was a very picky 4 year old.

I apologize for any grammatical/spelling catastrophes, but I am on cold medicine and just sat through Baby Geniuses 2.